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The latest news on Gender, Culture, and Politics. With teeth.

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    Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we snack on gossip sandwiches served by In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Tanisha Love Ramirez assists as we the mags report: Kris Jenner is a straight up pimp; other swimsuit models loathe Kate Upton; and Britney Spears is being wooed by a execs at a major hotel on the Las Vegas strip — although they'd better be cool with lip-synching.

    "We're Having Babies!"
    Fun fact: If you pee on this week's issue, it'll tell you if you're pregnant! This week we learn that Khloe Kardashian Odom, Kendra Wilkinson-Baskett and Giuliana Rancic are all having babies — someday. Just not now. Damn false positive headline. Not-pregnant-Kendra plans on having another baby because her son Hank IV wants a sibling; not-pregnant-Khloe is still trying to fill her womb with the next Kardashian heir; and not-pregnant-Giuliana bought some pink items from a children's store. Also, apparently Rihanna wants to go from "musical queen to baby mama," and is trying to get pregnant with Chris Brown's spawn because she thinks "that's the best way to get Chris to put a ring on her finger," shares a helpful insider. In real celebrity pregnancy news: Kimye found out that they're having a baby boy, which they're totes happy about because according to a friend, "Kim adores Mason, so she's excited to have a little boy like him." Somewhere else in Hollywood, John Mayer went down on one knee and popped something — maybe it was THE QUESTION, maybe it was his ACL, we don't know because the couple hasn't confirmed an engagement. And finally, Mila Kunis proves that she is simply out of fucks to give when it comes to your interest in her love life, answering Ok!'s interview question, "can we ask about love in general?" with a terse, "You can. Will I answer? No." Love!
    Grade: F (shit sandwich)

    Life & Style
    "Secrets of the Proposal"
    Some guy named Sean Lowe proposed to some woman who collected the most roses from him, and they are all set to live happily scripted after. We don't know who she is but the "magical" made-for-TV proposal won't air until March 11th, but insiders (read: publicists) reveal that Sean proposed to his co-star — sorry, TRUE LOVE — with a 4.3 carat Neil Lane engagement ring in Rai, Thailand, in front a perfect backdrop of scattered flower petals, tiki torches and a television crew. Stay tuned for the big finale. Or don't. We don't care. Next! Brandi Glanville is fearful that LeAnn Rimes is too unstable to be around her children, and is insisting that the woman who she once referred to as a "washed-up country star" get some help. Kim Kardashian is in "denial about being pregnant" and refuses to stop wearing sky-high heels and body-hugging Spanx as her body insists on growing another human being inside of it. In Kourtney Kardashian news: Kourt scowled, Scott partied, babies ate, lather, rinse, repeat. Meanwhile, Bradley Cooper is "on the hunt for lovely ladies to add to his travel itinerary" while visiting London, so practice your mating call and get cooped up. Lastly, in "A-Listers Get Oscar-Ready" we learn that lady A-Listers are all about sculpting, smoothing and detoxing their bodies in an effort to be "Oscar-Ready" enough to receive accolades for their professional accomplishments. Male A-Listers, however, are probably just playing X-Box and rubbing leftover taco grease onto their faces to achieve that "Oscar-ready" glow.
    Grade: D- (sand sandwich)

    In Touch
    "Make Me More Money!"
    It's hard out there for a pimp, and Kris Jenner would know. Now that her "older" girls are out making babies, not money, she's turning to her younger daughters and forcing them to go out there and make her some damn moolah. (Sigh!) According to an insider, "She is going to work them for every penny," and has pulled the girls out of school in favor of having them working more. Friends of the family are worried that Kris is trying to shove both Kendall and Kylie into the big-ass fame-making machine from which Kim Kardashian was born, going so far as to allow them to dress, work and behave like their older sister (Fig 1). That shit kray. RHOA's Phaedra Parks is mad as hell that castmate Kenya Moore backed her ass out of a joint workout video called Donkey Booty and has gone behind her back to produce her own, solo workout video called Stallion Booty, launching an all-out "battle of the booties" between the two former bosom buddies. Also, the mag needs your help figuring out: "Are These Big Butts Real?" (Fig. 2). Let's see, what else? Britney Spears may be headed to Sin City, but she will have a curfew, a spending limit and won't be allowed to bring boys into her room at night, Ke$ha smells like a hobo-meets-"a shrimp on a diaper", and Katy Perry wore a heart-shaped ring that boyfriend John Mayer bought her, what does it mean?
    Grade: D+ (horsemeat sandwich)

    "My Mistakes As A Mom"
    For real? This lady has something new to say? Oh, not really? Quelle surprise. "I feel guilty all the time because I can't be everywhere at once," Kris Jenner tells the mag. But interms of "mistakes," she doesn't admit to many. She's glad her kids do TV: "They are getting the best business education I could ever hope for." When asked why she pushes her children, she says: "I think you're happier that way." Kris denies that she and Bruce are on the rocks, saying according to the tabloids "I've been divorced 17 times" and as for claims young Kylie and Kendall are being sexualized? "Ridiculous." Basically, the coverline is misleading and KJ has zero regrets. Her interview is followed by a two-page ad posing as editorial; "We Love Our Curves" is about Kardashian Kurves, the new plus-size clothing line Kim, Kourt and Khloe are debuting. Also inside: All of the other Sports Illustrated swimsuit models hate Kate Upton, who won't sit with them at parties and "has been a bitch" to them. Finally, in Bachelor news, Tierra is engaged… To her ex-boyfriend. They should get married later this year.
    Grade: C (white bread and mayo sandwich)

    "Kim Got Pregnant For $22 Million!"
    "Kim's Web of Lies" rehashes some old crap about why KK wants a divorce instead of an annulment: If she gets the marriage annulled, she's admitting there was fraud, and brands who donated to make the wedding happen could sue her. Meanwhile, a source says Kim "totally used Kanye for his sperm" and after she didn't get pregnant from banging him noon and night, "sweet-talked him into doing in vitro." They visited Beverly Hills fertility specialist Dr. Mark Surrey and the conception was arranged. Plus, Kim had sex with Kanye while she and Kris were still together, claims a source, and she cheated on Kris with some millionaire businessman. Blah blah blah moving on. LeAnn Rimes is pregnant, and the proof is that she has dark hair now and didn't drink a single margarita while in Cabo over Christmas. Britney Spears has been trying to land a residency in Vegas, but the problem is, she doesn't sing live during her concerts "and has no plans to start now." As RuPaul would say: The time has come for you to lipsync for your life! In fact, a woman named Myah Marie might actually be the voice you hear on some Britney songs, like Will.I.Am's "Scream and Shout." Myah's dad says his daughter, who does backing vocals for Brit, actually sings for Britney. And you know, listening carefully to this, it's unclear whether or not Britney was even involved. Let's see, what else? After meeting on the set of Maleficent, Angelina Jolie is acting as a mentor for Elle Fanning. If you're wondering why Justin Timberlake has straight hair now, it's because Jessica Biel hates his hair curly. He loves his curls, but she prefers straight. So. Chris Brown and Rihanna are planning a wild wedding, says a source: "They want tattoo artists, fire breathers and a near-naked waitstafff." This might be happening as soon as July. Cindy Crawford was seen drunkenly hitting on "hot band guys" in Malibu recently, since her marriage is on the rocks and husband Rande Gerber has been cheating on her throughout the 14 years they've been together. Ugh. Finally, Will Smith's younger sister Ellen has a husband named Dee Laurence Downs, who has been indicted on a major federal cocaine-dealing charge. Drug felon in the family.
    Grade: C+ (soggy cheesy sandwich)


    Fig. 1, from In Touch

    Fig. 2, from In Touch

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    Superfoxes Josh Brolin and Diane Lane are divorcing after eight years of marriage, according to their reps: "It was a mutual decision. It was amicable. It's not ugly, it's just over." (Guh.) It's the second marriage for both of them. Although this means our fantasy of James Brolin, Barbra Streisand, Josh and Diane playing mah jong on a porch somewhere after getting family-style Chinese dinner is kaput, it might be good news: a few months after their 2004 marriage, Brolin was arrested for spousal battery. The charges were dropped, and it was later referred to as a "misunderstanding."

    He also reportedly had a sinister-sounding "hands-on" conversation with Robin Wright in 2008, has gotten into multiple bar brawls and was arrested for public intoxication this past New Year's Eve. Get it together. :-| [TMZ, Us Weekly]

    They've been separated for a few months already, according to this report.

    Once again, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson may have gone the way of the dodo bird despite their attempts to overcome Rupert Sanders Crotchgrindinggate. However, the two are hanging on until every last Twi-Hard has snatched up the DVD of Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2, "since the first couple weeks are the times when the DVD will sell like wildfire. The more DVDs sold, the more money for them. So they are abiding by the request."

    Because underneath that kohl eyeliner and sulky stares they are really just cylons created to produce hundies, the source does not say, but does not need to. [Entertainmentwise]

    Taylor Swift, totally one of those girls who's into English guys because of Mr. Darcy, "was hanging out with a lot of British music stars at the [Brit awards] after-party, and she was repeatedly overheard saying she would love to find herself a British boyfriend." (Haha, "repeatedly." Way to play it cool.)

    After her performance, which included some very grown-up thrusting (!), "Taylor was even getting her flirt on with Jordan Stephens of the Rizzle Kicks – they danced together – and she got behind the DJ decks at the shindig, at one point donning the headphones." [Radar Online]

    Unsurprisingly, this is how Mel Gibson gets his flirt on at the club, says a source. "He went over to her table and hit on her by saying, ‘You're so [bleeping] gorgeous.' Then he pulled out his phone and started Googling himself." [Page Six]

    • Ethan Hawke says some angry things about how the Oscars are bullshit, was coincidentally not nominated this year, or any year since 2004. [Page Six]
    • Clint Eastwood got swatted. I feel like we're over chair jokes but I can't think of anything else so idk: LOL @ general crotchety status? [TMZ]
    • The most important piece of investigative journalism in years is this thing about how much that annoying celebrity refrain "The gays love me!" is true. [Buzzfeed]
    • Britney Spears' new boyfriend Normal Dave is already being picked apart by the media buzzards. I like to think of myself more as a Great Egret personally. [TMZ]
    • Some kid who accomplishes the impressive feat of being in Twilight but also having basically nobody care about him (Bronson Pelletier? See, I told you) pled "no contest" to peeing in an airport, gets 2 years of probation. [TMZ]
    • Okay, Justin Bieber. Rein it in. [Daily Mail]
    • And stop buying Twitter followers. [PRWeb]
    • Nick Cannon fruitlessly tries to convince us that Mariah Carey is not a diva at home and does all the normal wife-and-mother stuff. Like vacuuming the carpet with an unplugged Hoover encrusted with diamonds for 3 minutes and then soaking in jasmine water for 6 hours. [The Sun]
    • Mumford and Sons "snubbed" One Direction backstage during the Brit Awards. [The Mirror UK]
    • Meanwhile, Boy George feuds with Liam Payne. [Gossip Cop]
    • Bono's wife Ali was in a biking accident but she's basically OK. You can finish your breakfast sandwich. [Express]
    • Michael Bay casts Megan Fox in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles remake, which I guess makes her this shoe. [Daily Mail]
    • Mira Sorvino has been cast as Jim Gaffigan's wife on a new CBS comedy but I will always remember her fondly as Mighty Aphrodite's Linda Ash a.k.a. Judy Cum. [HuffPo]
    • Chris Rock, David Spade and Chris Farley's brother Kevin had probably what was the most hilarious meal ever, joined by "an attractive, 20-something woman." Was it you?? Why didn't you text me from the bathroom?! [Page Six]
    • Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis will co-habitate soon. [Us Weekly]
    • Kate Hudson jumped on a couch and smoked a cigarette. Penny Lane lives! [Us Weekly]
    • Someone I hope to buy a drink for someday hacked Donald Trump's Twitter and posted Lil Wayne lyrics. [NYDN]
    • Kelly Osbourne sprained her ankle trying not to fall into a public toilet. New 1,000-page book idea for Joyce Carol Oates. [NYDN]
    • Okay, so Liam Hemsworth's fiancee Miley Cyrus and Chris Hemsworth's wife Elsa Pataky have the same uncommon haircut, but maybe it's not as weird as we think? [NYDN]
    • An S&M themed photo shoot for V Magazine that leaked last year, featuring a topless Kate Moss and Rihanna, is officially out. [Radar Online]
    • Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are already flipping their new $11 million Bel Air place. [NYDN]
    • Meanwhile, Kim assures us that Keeping Up With the Kardashians is still her "number one priority," which is mostly just sad because it's not her $90,000 sneakers. [E!]

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    While you were staggering home in a prosecco haze, celebrities were still out partying, and here's some post-Oscar nuggets for you to munch on. Okay, so yeah, Jennifer Lawrence fell down on her way to collect her Best Actress Oscar. We can perhaps attribute this to her previous confession that she was planning to get shithoused during the ceremony, and also because Lawrence and most of these women are wearing fucking TORTURE CHAMBER dresses and heels that are stilts, and those two things don't jive well. (It was either that or the Lena Dunham Golden Globes waddle.) Anyway, she accidentally/on purpose gave someone the finger in the press room after her win and then looked shocked. Amazing. [Just Jared]

    After that, she went to Soho House in Hollywood and had an "intense conversation" with Leonardo DiCaprio while resting her hand on Bradley Cooper's shoulder, which drew "envious stares from other women." [Page Six]

    While Seth MacFarlane flirted with the boundaries of propriety, The Onion was pushing the limits on Twitter: a tweet from the satirical publication, deleted about an hour it was posted, read "Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but Quvenzhané Wallis is kind of a cunt, right?" Naturally, it set Twitter alight. GOD, her dog purse is so much more important than any of this. [HuffPo]


    Unsurprisingly, Elton John's huge annual Oscars party beat the one you went to last night, particularly because it benefited the Elton John AIDS Foundation. Heidi Klum wore a very low-cut dress ("A lot of people are complimenting my dress, but they aren't looking into my eyes when they say it"... "I'm worried about it because my boobs could fall into my dinner, so I'm being very careful."), Anna Paquin used a lint brush on Stephen Moyer, Matthew Morrison, Chris Colfer, Bono, Kim Kardashian, Miley Cyrus and Nicki Minaj were also in attendance. And then they all fucked. JK. [Page Six]

    BAAH, and also John and David Furnish's son Zachary Furnish-John in a babytuxedo. [Hello Magazine]

    Jim Carrey was there too, and he wore huge fake feet. I worry about him. [vh1]

    Oh and Britney Spears, who is NOW A BRUNETTE. Life, forever altered. [Daily Mail]

    Why was Kristen Stewart limping and cranky at the Oscars? She stepped on broken glass.

    Anne Hathaway, holding her new Oscar, ran into Kristen Stewart, who was on crutches, backstage.

    "Oh no!" Hathaway said.

    "I know, I'm an idiot," Stewart replied. "But congratulations!"

    "Please tell me you're going on stage with those," Hathaway said, pointing to the crutches.

    "Nope. I'm gonna hobble," Stewart said.

    "Well, break a leg," Hathaway said. "Oops."


    Meenwhilez, Christina Applegate married her longtime boyfriend Martyn LeNoble, the father of her 2-year-old daughter Sadie Grace in a small private ceremony on top of a mountain, and there were flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And they danced 'till the sun rose, and their children will form a family band, and you were not invited. [Us Weekly]

    More Oscar gossip:

    • Renee Zelwegger did not look like herself. [Daily Mail]
    • Harvey Weinstein's daughter Lily came up with the idea to have Michelle Obama introduce last night's Best Picture nominees. [Independent UK]
    • Meanwhile, Charlize Theron rushed to help an Academy Awards security guard who was having a seizure. She's the best. [E!]
    • Oh, man, that Chris Brown/Rihanna joke that Oscars host Seth MacFarlane made last night. Damn. [HuffPo]
    • And a full roundup of the sexist jokes by MacFarlane are here. [The Cut/NY Mag]
    • D'aww, Jamie Foxx took his daughter Corrine to the ceremony 8 years after the first time he took her, when he was nominated for Ray. (She was 11.) [People]
    • There is now a Twitter devoted to Anne Hathaway's Oscar-dress nipples. (It was just the darts of the dress, you guys, I think?) [Twitter]
    • "George Clooney showing off a freshly grown beard for a new role at the Night Before Gala at the Beverly Hills Hotel." Way to go with the subtle allusion to the copious Smirkface Silverfox gay rumors, Page Six. Very classy. [Page Six]
    • Katie Holmes went to L.A. for an ICM Oscars party and my boyfriend Christoph Waltz was there. (New best friends? Would be so fun and incongruous!) [Page Six]
    • At the Oscars last night Halle Berry looked so awesome in an Ayn Rand heroine kind of way. (Under ordinary circumstances, that would be an insult, but the Oscars are so YOLO!) [HuffPo]

    And some Muggle gossip:

    • Akon is being sued by a guy who says he stage-dove right on top of him. [TMZ]
    • Ryan Lochte is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, consuming, can't-live-without-each other love. And he hopes to find it on his E! reality show because that's usually where it is, right? [NYDN]
    • Newsflash: Lindsay Lohan fucks up her taxes regularly. [TMZ]
    • Oh, okay, Octomom has a medical marijuana prescription. [TMZ]
    • Janet Jackson has a boyfriend. Also, we as a human race need to stop using the word "slizzard." [Bossip]
    • Gerard Butler, Josh Hartnett, Shaun White, Rose McGowan and other people not at the Oscars did karaoke in L.A. [Page Six]
    • Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite has a twin brother who impersonates him without his consent and now they are estranged. NEWS. [TMZ]
    • "He sang his sweet song so sweetly and paused for a moment's lull/ I gently raised the window and crushed his f­ucking skull." Elvis Presley's personal letters are up for sale in England. [Contact Music]
    • LOLZ: "Diddy telling a pal of a movie project, "I want the character to be like Matthew McConaughey." Hollywood is the silliest. [Page Six]
    • Tiger Woods and Elin Nordgren are back together. [TMZ]

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    It's not notable in, like, a world history kind of a way, but you have to admit that BRITNEY'S NEW HAIR LOOKS REALLY GOOD, YOU GUYS. And she seems to have a vigor and a pulled-togetherness about her that we haven't seen from Brit-Brit in years.

    She's got a new man in her life, a hit single with, and she's supposedly recording her eighth studio album as we speak. So what's up with Brit's new look? Blake Jacobs says Britney's hair color has always been a barometer of her mental health. "It's a lot like the TSA terror alerts: Blonde means relatively low risk, brown is an elevated threat level, pink means we're at a very high risk, and bald is HOLY CRAP, EVERYBODY RUN FOR HIGHER GROUND." So what do you think? Does a non-blonde Brit mean a return to the nutty days of yore? Or that she's she's settling down?

    I don't know what it means but I'm PRO. [WoW]

    Denise Richards tweeted at Charlie Sheen to go to bed last night.

    The mother of three, who divorced Sheen in May 2011 after three years of marriage, wrote back, "Come help me clean the damn garage for their playroom."

    "I'm BUSY LADY! LOOK!" Sheen tweeted with a picture of himself hanging out with a friend.

    "Yes I see," Richards replied. "Time to pack it in and GO TO BED you have a 5:30am call . . . 3 1/2 hrs so get your ass up to your room."

    But her ex-husband wasn't done with his night of fun. The Anger Management actor wrote back, "I SAID LOOK!" with a second photo of himself holding a bottle and digging in his fridge.

    "Charles . . . not to be a buzzkill . . . But this is the point where the night can go sideways," Richards answered him.

    Sigh. I hope some day I can find a man who's actually an enormous drunk toddler and literally needs me to give him a bedtime even after we're broken up. [Us]

    Wait, what? Andy Samberg is marrying Joanna Newsom? I am not against that at all, but I was not aware.

    No joke — Saturday Night Live alum Andy Samberg is getting married! A rep for the actor confirms to Us Weekly exclusively that the 34-year-old funnyman is engaged to his girlfriend of five years, singer-songwriter Joanna Newsom.

    Samberg was smitten with the 31-year-old musician even before they met through mutual friends. "He liked her music and would go to her shows," a pal told Us last year. "He had the biggest crush on her."

    Newsom is equally enamored of her beau. "She respects what he does with his songs," the friend said, referring to Samberg's quirky tracks ("I'm on a Boat!") with comedy troupe Lonely Island. "She's so proud of everything that he has accomplished."

    The happy couple have kept a relatively low profile over the last five years, preferring quiet date nights at home to all-night parties. Added the pal: "They have great chemistry."

    They've been together for FIVE YEARS? I am stupid and don't pay attention to anything. [Us]

    Hoh-hoh-hohhh, Gerard Depardieu is a real Russian now.

    The French film legend officially registered as a resident of the Russian city of Saransk on Saturday. This is the final step in his quest to become a Russian citizen after he renounced his French citizenship amid a dispute over taxes.

    Per the Christian Science Monitor, Depardieu took an apartment on Democracy Street in the heart of downtown Saransk in the Republic of Mordovia. The move was required so he could provide a home address, thereby allowing him to receive key public services including access to schools and health care in his newly adopted country.


    • Janet Jackson got married? [Us]
    • Here's Jesse Tyler Ferguson photo-bombing Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr. [E!]
    • Ooh, great! Let's painstakingly compare Brandi Glanville and LeAnn Rimes because what would really help women is more infighting and cattiness! [E!]
    • Here are five pieces of information about Jessica Chastain's boyfriend, who is a LITERAL COUNT. [E!]
    • Here's an interview with the dude who plays Sebastian on The Carrie Diaries. Sample quote: "I get to wear a leather jacket, which is cool." [JustJared]
    • Jewish watchdog groups are mad at Seth MacFarlane. [E!]
    • People still watch The Bachelor, apparently. Women still go on The Bachelor, apparently. [People]
    • Stacy Keibler says she loves Cloonz's distinguished gray beard. [E!]
    • Mark Wahlberg says he turned down a role in Star Trek because he didn't understand the script. (Just like Sean Connery and LOTR! Favorite anecdote!) [Vulture]
    • Madonna. [WoW]
    • MC Hammer says he was the victim of racial profiling after being arrested in Dublin. [SFGate]
    • IMPORTANT. [MyDreamz]

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    "As she sits drinking lavender lemonade,*" Taylor Swift tells Vanity Fair that everyone—including, and especially, other ladies in Hollywood—needs to shut the fuck up about how many penises are/may be in orbit around her:

    "If you want some big revelation, since 2010 I've dated exactly two people. [...] For a female to write about her feelings, and then be portrayed as some clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend in need of making you marry her and have kids with her, I think that's taking something that potentially should be celebrated-a woman writing about her feelings in a confessional way-that's taking it and turning it and twisting it into something that is frankly a little sexist."

    Swift, who covers the April issue of VF, adds that after so-called "Mean Girl" incidents—most recently, she says, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler mocking her love life at the Golden Globe—she recalls a quote Katie Couric ("one of [Swift's] favorite people") gave her: "There's a special place in hell for women who don't help other women." Oof.

    *of course. [Just Jared, Vanity Fair]

    Although T-Swizzle wouldn't speak on her exes, she authorized a source to do so. "[Harry] was all, like, ‘You're amazing – I want to be with you. I want to do this.'" Then a friend sent Swift a picture of Styles and some girl "making out like with their hands all up in each other's hair," and that was The Day The Trust Died. Riveting stuff. [Hollywood Life]

    Dennis Rodman was thrown out of a hotel bar in Midtown right after visiting Kim Jong Un with other Harlem Globetrotters for an HBO/Vice special. "He kept saying what a nice guy Kim is, and how Kim just wants to talk to President Obama about basketball. He was waving around a signed copy of the dictator's huge manifesto, telling everyone they should read it." You know, if you guys were wondering what Dennis Rodman was up to these days. [Page Six]

    Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux will be married in Hawaii in a few weeks, but she does not want to do it in his old fuck den:

    "Jen would have liked to have done it at home in Los Angeles but it looks like that would be too difficult to keep quiet," a source told The Sun.

    "She doesn't want to get married with photographers buzzing around her head in helicopters."

    "Justin just adores Hawaii. It's his favourite place in the world and he has a little house on the island of Kauai," the source added.

    "His cottage is too small to host the wedding and Jen thinks it has too many memories of his old flames anyway. But they both love the island and the idea of a laid back Hawaii wedding in the sunshine."


    The hip-ass couple comprised of Knocked Up's Jay Baruchel and The Newsroom's Alison Pill are no more. The two, who have been engaged since 2010, had plans to marry in Quebec in September. Judging by some Tweets that Baruchel has since deleted, it seems not-so-mutual.

    The This Is the End actor hinted about their split on Twitter Feb. 16. "Alone again, naturally. Heartbroken," he wrote in a message that he later deleted. "I won't be on twitter for awhile gang. Getting dumped rules."

    (He was back on Twitter the next day, natch.) [Us Weekly]

    Brody Jenner, privileged Los Angeles gadabout and one-time cast member of The Hills, has heard the cries of the people. "We want your greasy smirkface back on reality television!" they cried. At last, he has acquiesced and will be appearing on new episodes of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. His reps say that he "is joining the show but may not be in every episode. It depends on the storyline." Jenner has been "chilling" and "trying to figure out what to do with his life" since splitting from Avril Lavigne over a year ago. [Us Weekly]

    Barbara Walters got chicken pox from Frank Langella. And, scene. [NYDN]

    • Bradley Cooper didn't want to win an Oscar anyway, so there. [Us Weekly]
    • Once again, folks: Mila Kunis is NOT gonna be in 50 Shades of Grey. [iDigital Times]
    • Christian Bale might join Jennifer Lawrence in a movie called Ends of the Earth. [Indie Wire]
    • Kate Winslet looks unsurprisingly gorgeous in this photo shoot for Bazaar. [NYDN]
    • One Directioner Harry Styles has requested military security because he doesn't want to get hit in the nuts with another shoe onstage. [Capital FM]
    • Prince Charles does his version of gushing about becoming a granddad: "It's a lovely thought and I look forward enormously to that relationship." Well, don't get all SLOPPY about it, Chuckles. [The Mirror UK]
    • A former model from the 1960s is suing Mad Men producers for using an image of her in the opening credits without consent. [NYDN]
    • Justin Bieber got a Batman-themed motorbike for his beeday. And yes, we are still discussing Justin Bieber's beeday. [Indian Express]
    • Also, he was late to a London concert and got booed. [Us Weekly]
    • Someone stole Freddie Mercury's burial plaque. [Express UK]
    • The Who guitarist Pete Townshend is sorry that he told a 7-year-old girl to "fuck off" for holding up a sign that said "Smash Your Guitar, Pete." [NYDN]
    • ZOMG: Adele bought her son Angelo a novelty "Best Son" Oscar to match hers. Dead now. [Express]
    • Britney Spears and Kevin Federline made nice at their son's soccer game. [E!]
    • Erin Andrews snubbed 50 Cent on-camera but she feels bad about it. [Page Six]
    • Billary Clinton had a romantic night in New York, just eatin' and strollin'. [Page Six]
    • Modern Family star Jesse Tyler Ferguson wants a low key wedding: just Beyonce, the Obamas, and Pink ("doing aerial"). [Page Six]
    • Warren Beatty and Annette Bening had dinner with Mick Jagger like fucking BOSSES. [Page Six]
    • Jim Carrey is not a fan of dieting. [People]
    • The Girls Next Door reality star Holly Madison is having her baby. For the next three days. FUuuu.. [People]
    • I guess Morrissey is yelling at Beyonce now. [Us Weekly]
    • Adrienne Maloof is definitely leaving the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. [NYDN]

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    Although Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Justin Theroux, Jennifer Aniston, Chandler Bing and that duck called a truce at some point, as Brangelina's and Jenreaux's (?) marriages draw nearer, threatening to even land sort of around the same time, some obvious problems become apparent.

    As usual, Aniston is depicted one hair away from being the crazed nemesis of Brangelina, who are planning to wed in France just after the Cannes Film Festival ends in May.*

    "All that goodwill would go out the window if Brad's wedding date comes close to hers. Jennifer will see it as an attempt to upstage her and there will be a battle over Hollywood guests.

    She knows they will be judged on who had the better wedding by pulling in the biggest stars."

    To that end, I will now proceed to cut Matt LeBlanc in half the long way. The one who objects is the one who truly deserves him. [The Sun]

    *Doesn't that sentence make you want to hock out a hairball?

    While Selena Gomez's little choreographed videos with her girls are kind of a silent-to-us dog whistle that only appeal to the Youngs (I sure as shit don't get why they exist), her newest one is set to a song with lines like: "Everybody knows your boyfriend is a douchebag." Does this have any special significance because her ex Justin Bieber has been acting like a douchebag? Let's unnecessarily parse this information about two strangers. :D?!

    "Selena has kept an eye on Justin in the news and just laughed and laughed. She doesn't give a s**t anymore. Justin is crazy and she doesn't want to be his mom anymore. She feels so free and loves hanging out with her girlfriends. He's weird and she doesn't find his behaviour hot or anything. She just wants a man who has his shit together, and not a weird boy... he's turned into exactly the kind of person she doesn't want to be with."

    Zzzzz. Sorry, what? [HuffPo]

    Meanwhile, El Beebo cancels a concert in Portugal. [TMZ]

    Like most of us, Sarah Jessica Parker and her bunions Couldn't Help But Wonder® why the crap The Carrie Diaries is even a thing.

    "I'm not sure… You know, I think it's one of those tests of your generosity. She [AnnaSophia Robb, who plays Bradshaw] is a lovely girl and I want her to feel good about it, but it's… odd."

    "HBO was very encouraging of the beyond-camera role I played, and I feel that had we not done it, I don't know that would have existed for Girls. It's such a different way of thinking and it's not conventional. I also think [Lena Dunham] came along understanding her voice and with the support of a producing partner [Judd Apatow] experienced enough to say she is capable of this, she needs to be in charge of the story as it's her voice. I do feel Sex and the City's success made that possible, and it would have been different otherwise."

    [Gossip Cop]

    In the wake of Elizabeth Hasselbeck and Joy Behar's departure from The View, it's been reported that Brooke Shields is "likely" to join the ABC morning show at Barbara Walters' behest. "She's articulate, has Hollywood connections perfect for nabbing interviews, is the right age, and is a mom!" [Radar Online]

    Everything your blobby, unformed 7th grade brain gleaned from Velvet Goldmine is basically true, according to David Bowie's ex-wife Angie, who stumbled on Aladdin Sane in the sack with Mick Jagger.

    "My assistant was laughing in the kitchen when I got home. She said, 'You won't believe this. David and Mick Jagger.'

    "I said, 'Right then, put the kettle on'. I went upstairs and banged on the door and said, 'Morning! Ready for breakfast, boys?'

    "I walked into the bedroom and David was there with all these pillows and duvets on top of him and on the other side of the bed was Mick's leg sticking out.

    "I said: 'Did you guys have a good night?'. They were so hungover they could hardly speak. I took pity on them."

    [Digital Spy]

    • Adele and Beyoncé may be performing at Michelle Obama's 50th birthday bash. [HuffPo]
    • J-Law and Adele and cartoon birds have been palling around since the Oscars. [The Sun]
    • Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian's marriage was a "sham," claims Humphries' family, shocking those of us who think huge TV weddings are the stuff of lasting foreverlove rather than energy drink deals. [TMZ]
    • One Direction had to take down their call to fans to send in tattoo shots after adults voiced their fears that the lads were encouraging impressional tweens to get body art. [Daily Mail]
    • (Oh and Harry Styles got a pretty obtrusive butterfly on his ribcage.) [NYDN]
    • Meanwhile, Harry Styles' supposed one-night stand Shaniece Nesbitt—whom he picked out at a club on Saturday night "because [she] looked like Megan Fox"—has been receiving death threats and took down her Facebook. [The Sun]
    • One for your stepdad: Vince Neil of One Direction cover band Mötley Crüe was taken to the hospital for kidney stones. [NBC News]
    • Odd couple Rosario Dawson and her director boyfriend Danny Boyle are splitzville. []
    • Amanda Peet wrote a play called The Commons of Pensacola that will premiere in New York, possibly starring Blythe Danner and Sarah Jessica Parker. [CBS News]
    • Model/bra design wizard Elle MacPherson is engaged to a millionaire named Jeffrey Soffer. [Us Weekly]
    • Does anybody want to approach Jennifer Love Hewitt about getting her boobs insured? Because she wants you to. (Also: have you guys seen that Old Navy commercial where she peacocks around and winks at the camera and is like, "Jennifer Loves Hoodies?" Cuh-RINGE.) [Us Weekly]
    • Tina Fey's daugher Alice is the tiniest, adorable-est #1 fan of Quvenzhané Wallis. [People]
    • Rihanna cancelled a concert in Boston due to laryngitis. (Related: second OED def. of "laryngitis" is "flaming Sambuca shots, hedonism, YOLOOOO INSTAGRAMMMM.") [Us Weekly]
    • No more taking emotional distress sick days on behalf of the Kimye baby. Kim Kardshian is recovering from her miscarriage scare and—yes—is back on Instagram. [NYDN]
    • On her way back from a Calabasas Target, Britney Spears pulled over to buy a painting from the side of the road ("She instantly became captivated by an oil painting of a French street scene and stared at it in open-mouthed awe.") [Radar Online]
    • More USA Pulling adaptation news: Mandy Moore drops out (as Louise) and Jenny Slate joins up (as Karen). Good choices, all. Guys, not kidding, please watch the BBC original, your life will CHANGE. [HuffPo]
    • Azealia Banks is going after the Stone Roses on Twitter now. [The Sun]
    • Josh Brolin, Bradley Cooper and Michael Fassbender went out to a bar. Hey, guys, I know this great bar that's in my apartment/bed/vagina. DM me. [People]
    • Tom Hardy's dinner was interrupted by fellow restaurant-goer Madonna and her dancers busting out some MDNA moves in the restaurant. [Page Six]
    • Blake Lively faking enthusiasm with a huge-ass lemur mascot from The Croods. [NYDN]
    • Catherine Keener not at all faking enthusiasm with a huge-ass lemur mascot from The Croods. [NYDN]

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    Here's a reminder that we're all getting so old, all of the time. If this doesn't send you straight back to the late 90s/early aughts, maybe that's because you weren't born yet. For the rest of us, please enjoy Bit Bit saying fun things like "everyone has been doing e-mails!" and "Oh my goodness!" Ugh, she's the best.

    The best part has to be at 2:45 with sweet Xavier — a young audience member who doesn't look thrilled to have a 17-year-old girl sing at him about being born to make him happy. Here's hoping the Spears camp paid for his inevitable trauma counseling.

    [via Buzzfeed]

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    Single mom Connie Britton and her 2-year-old son Eyob and her jumbo glasses of white whine on Friday Night Lights and her perfect HAIR that is every effervescent, shimmering color that hair can be! I cannot.

    Connie Britton may be a single mom, but her son apparently thinks she also sings "Single Ladies!"

    When the actress's recent MORE cover came out around the same time as Beyoncé‘s GQ spread, Britton put 2-year-old Yoby to the test.

    "I had them both in my house and my son was looking at [them]. I said, ‘Do you see Mommy?' He points at Beyoncé and says, ‘Mommy,'" the Nashville star, 45, tells PEOPLE at the PaleyFest Saturday.

    But Britton took her son's mistake in stride, choosing to see the identity confusion as a compliment. "I was like, ‘That's my boy,'" she jokes.

    Okay, now that I've actually typed it out there might be some racial identity issues suggested here, as Yoby's black and adopted, but the kid's too young for that, right? [Bossip]

    • Lil Wayne is okay.
    • Bret Michaels turned down Chippendales. Shouldn't that sentence be reversed? I don't even want to see what's under that head bandanna. [TMZ]
    • Brad Pitt might, maybe, wear Man Spanx. [The Daily Beast]
    • Jessica Simpson took Maxwell to a fashion showZzzzzzz. [Us Weekly]
    • Britney Spears looks happy. I'm glad. [Us Weekly]
    • Apparently Kate Middleton and Prince William are competitive. "She told me that when William and her play Scrabble they don't usually finish it because one of them slams it shut." [Page Six]
    • George Clooney and Stacy Keibler broke up? Or are still together? I LONG FOR THE DAYS WHEN THIS WAS SIMPLE [Page Six]
    • Olivia Wilde got a private champagne room in a strip club for herself, Jason Sudeikis and two dancers (and she paid the tab). We get it. You guys like doing it. [Page Six]
    • The Jacksons want $40 billion in the wrongful death suit of Michael Jackson. (Is it too soon to say that I hope Conrad Murray takes this opportunity to approach Katherine Jackson and say "I'm sorry, Miss Jackson, I am, for real?" Too soon? K.) [TMZ]
    • This would be Charlotte Church in a pink Afro wig. [Daily Mail]
    • Gucci Man (pronounced Mane, never forget) has dropped Waka Flocka Flame from Brick Squad. Flocka replies, "Suck my dick." Repartee. [Bossip]
    • Morrissey has cancelled his entire tour because he has pneumonia. (Related: pretty sure Morrissey's dourness made him, like, give himself pneumonia somehow, does that happen?) [Contact Music]
    • Daniel Radcliffe is totes proud that he was Harry Potter, even though everyone wants him to be sick of it. [Heat World]

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    I mean, how hard is it to catch a flight? This is a rhetorical question for Lindsay Lohan, who missed her plane last night from New York to attend her trial in L.A. this morning. (We're now on her twenty-something trial. When you move into the double digits, you should get a free Shakeweight or some turtle wax or an IHop coupon, right?)

    Apparently she bounced from her original flight because she thought the plane was "unsafe" and has now chartered a private jet courtesy of energy drink company Mr. Pink. As we write this she has less than two hours to make it to court. Game on.

    Our Lindsay faces charges of lying to a police officer about a car crash, reckless driving and violating her probation for a shoplifting conviction, and may be sent to the clink if she's found guilty of any of the above; she may have to serve 245 days. Her attorney Mark Heller insists that it's not an issue of substance abuse anymore:

    "She does not need rehab," Heller told reporters after the last hearing. "I am hoping we will be able to come to some creative out-of-the-box answer."

    Lohan is already undergoing "one-on-one psychotherapy," he said.

    "Lindsay doesn't have a problem with alcohol and drugs," Heller said. "Lindsay has other types of issues that are being dealt with."

    [CNN, TMZ]

    On the latest episode of PBS's turn-of-the-century English drama Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kourtney and Kim decided to have a competition to see whose vagina smelled better, and... actually, wait, let me just copy and paste because I can't.

    When Khloe finally joined them in London, her older siblings shocked her by carrying out the plan, and in eye-popping scenes led the sisters in taking it in turns to wipe themselves on hand towels and forcing her to smell it.

    'Do I want to be the judge of the pineapple p****? Not really,' Khloe said. 'But we're sisters - If can't smell their p****** what else am I supposed to do?'

    Kourtney was the first to present her towel, with Khloe sniffing and saying: 'Mmm, smells like a tropical island.'

    As Kim walked out, Khloe told her 'I'm not smelling Kanye's ****', but Kim forced her towel on her.
    'Oooh,' Khloe said, blushing. 'It smells like a flower p****.'

    As the sisters waited for her decision, she finally said: 'Honestly, I will say that Kim's p**** smells the best."

    [Daily Mail]

    Taylor Swift said stuff. Look, it's a slow news day. Roll with it. Here she admits that "I Knew You Were Trouble" was about Harry Styles and discusses singing at the Brit Awards in that insane wedding dress with her ex-boyfriend in the audience:

    ''Well, it's not hard to access that emotion when the person the song is directed at is standing by the side of the stage watching ... You're balancing the analytical side of your brain which is telling you where to go and how to go there, with the other side of your brain, which is saying, 'Feel everything you're singing, and show it on your face. Feel everything exactly as you felt it when you wrote the song.'"

    And here she is on wearing sneakers and sitting on the bleachers and being the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry.

    ''There's really no sound quite as loud as a phone not ringing, a letter unanswered. I don't quite understand it, because I either want to be with you or I don't ... I really don't feel like pursuing something that isn't real or isn't going somewhere, so if it's established that someone's commitment-phobic, I'm sorry - go be commitment-phobic with someone else. Because I'm not trying to scare you, I'm not pointing a gun at you; I'm offering to be with you.''

    One great way to make that really clear is to wear a wedding dress everywhere, always. [Contact Music]

    So it's come to this. Robert Pattinson is hiding from Kristen Stewart in the Outback. While he films his next movie The Rover in the middle of Bumblefuck, Australia, he's enjoying the peace and quiet for the next three weeks, at which point he has to go back to L.A. and talk to K-Stew. He's "dreading" seeing her again, which is a pretty good indication that maybe they should just break up. Guys. Just break up. [Radar Online]

    In the same revealing article where Gwyneth Paltrow revealed that she'd miscarried a third child, which would have been a younger sibling to Apple and Moses, she also hints that her marriage to Coldplay frontman Chris Martin may be on the skids. Their relationship is "complicated," she says, and goes on: "Regardless of what happens in our marriage, I chose the best father. We are committed co-parents."

    ("They are still very much together," says a source.) [Heatworld]

    Kate wants a boy. Wills wants a girl. Queen Elizabeth wants a corgi. Who will win? [People]

    Prince Harry joked with a club-goer that he'd date him if he breaks up with Cressida Bonas and changes his mind about women as a whole. []

    • A French porn star is suing Bow Wow for $80,000 after he put a video of her dancing up on the Interwebs. [TMZ]
    • Want to buy me Breaking Bad's Jesse Pinkman's Toyota? Thanksss. [TMZ]
    • Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall are fighting over their house in southwest London. [Contact Music]
    • Britney Spears gave $100 to a homeless man on the street, which is totally nice, and also reminds me of this old-school SNL sketch. [Showbiz Spy]
    • Blue Ivy's getting her own portable nursery when she goes on tour with Mommyoncé. [Entertainmentwise]
    • Eva Mendes says that Ryan Gosling is "adorable" around kids. Raise your hand if you're surprised. No one? OK. []
    • Kylie Minogue's songwriter Cathy Dennis says that One Direction would be nuts to start writing their own songs. [The Sun]
    • Let's play New Yorker Cartoon Caption or Real Life: David Hasselhoff is currently protesting the destruction of the historic Berlin Wall. [HuffPo]
    • Charlize Theron went walking with her kid and a bunch of dogs. [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
    • Lil Wayne's hospital room is a hip-hop dork's wet dream. [Us weekly]
    • Coco of "Ice Loves" had a birthday party with Ice-T at a club. LOVE. [Page Six]
    • Cloris Leachman still knows how to party, and also screamed at a guy outside for smoking a cigarette. [Page Six]
    • Marilyn Manson threw a smoke bomb into the parking lot of the theater where Spring Breakers was premiering because he's CRAAAZY, guys. "Apparently it's his signature move," says a source. Cool. [Page Six]
    • Miley Cyrus got a possibly-Liam-related tattoo of two Da Vinci-style anatomically correct hearts. [Hello Magazine]
    • It still seems likely that Elizabeth Hasselbeck will get the boot from The View despite Barbara Walters' denial. [Page Six]
    • Kate Upton might finally get a Vogue cover. [Page Six]
    • Liza Minnelli and Alan Cumming went to the Copacabana Club for her 67th birthday and why the fuck wasn't I there? [Page Six]
    • Ed Sheeran took a spill onstage. [NYDN]
    • Prince played at SXSW for a record-breaking three hours that showcased his famous STAMINA (nahmean?), outlasted many concert-goers, at one point said hilariously: "Don't make me hurt you. You know how many hits I got?" [HuffPo]

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    Um! Janet Hubert, who played Aunt Viv on Great Show of Our Time The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air wrote a letter to Wendy Williams after the talk show host asked guest Tatyana Ali why Hubert left the show. (Williams alluded to the bad blood between Hubert and Will Smith.)

    The letter is not very nice. Here are some choice selections.

    Wendy Williams, or whatever you are supposed to be, I'm not quite sure. I'm writing you yet again, to appeal to your sense of womanhood or manhood as some suggest. Please close your mouth about things that you know nothing of.

    You are such a demon Wendy. You are wicked, awful, conniving, sinister, spiteful, jealous of every other woman. Simply put, Wendy you are a virus. You are not nor have you ever been a true woman. It seems as though your audience thirsts for the blood of others, as they are prompted to clap and hoop and holler at your shows and wigs and clothes.

    Girl you will have some stars on your show and demean them before they even make it back home. I just would like to know who died and told you that you were reborn as Oprah. You want to be Oprah so bad that you would kill for it and you will kill anyone to achieve success. Sister, you will never be another Oprah. Oprah lifted her audience up and exuded an air of class.

    So, here is my advice to you Wendy. I want to help you. Learn to sit in a chair and stop fidgeting with yourself on camera. Wipe your giant teeth off camera, and don't smear the spit on the chair. Please put some sweat pits under your arms, and darling if your sweater is pulling until there are lines across your chest, its too tight. You might want to deflate those tremendous breast. Take off the fake blonde hair. You have to stop playing the race card because you are coming off like a want to be white girl who will never be white.

    Now take that, chew it my dear and stick it on your lord have mercy you are disgusting fly ridden gum wall. And that's the advice I have for you my sister. Peace.

    Read it here in full. I picture it stapled to the front door of Williams' house like Martin Luther's 95 theses nailed to the church door. [NYDN]

    • Gucci Mane was arrested for clocking a soldier over the head with a champagne bottle after he tried to take a picture with him. (When you're training to go to Afghanistan do you not learn to be wary of approaching a man who has a tattoo of ice cream that says "BRRR" on his face? [Gossip Cop]
    • Heeeeere are Cory and Topanga's wedding rings. [People]
    • Also, always-old Mr. Feeney is even older now. Mortality is real. [Gossip Cop]
    • Soulja Boy took pictures of pot and codeine and put them on Instagram and people didn't like it. [Gossip Cop]
    • Miley Cyrus is so psyched that Liam Hemsworth's back home, y'all. [People]
    • Also, she just cut a single with Snoop Lion and can't wait for us to hear it, y'all. [ET Online]
    • Katy Perry and John Mayer were fighting before they broke up, as human beings are wont to do. [Us Weekly]
    • Un-made-up Calista Flockhart proves that vaguely fetal-looking beauty is all natural. [Us Weekly]
    • 90210's Jessica Lowndes broke up with Olympian Jeremy Bloom. [Page Six]
    • Producers of the Broadway version of Breakfast At Tiffany's tried to get Truman Capote's ashes for the premiere but it didn't work out. [Page Six]
    • Martha Stewart pops her zits. [Radar Online]
    • Britney Spears' "normal" boyfriend David Lucando is appealingly husky and dresses like Justin Timberlake. THERE'S YER NEWS. [Radar Online]
    • Nicki Minaj's tits came out. [NYDN]
    • Pippa Middleton has parted ways with her literary agent after the embarrassment that was "Celebrate." [Page Six]
    • This whole "ask a celebrity to prom on Youtube" thing is totally irritating but OKAY I WILL MAKE AN EXCEPTION FOR THIS GOLDENDOODLE NAMED RAMONA WHO ASKED OUT BO OBAMA. [People]

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    Glee star and "Frankenteen" Cory Monteith, who's previously been open about his troubled past as a delinquent teenager, has checked into rehab for substance abuse. His rep confirms to People: "[Monteith] has voluntarily admitted himself to a treatment facility for substance addiction [...] He graciously asks for your respect and privacy as he takes the necessary steps towards recovery."

    Monteith, now 30, began drinking at age 13 and went to rehab for the first time at 19, after three years of "doing every and any [drug], as much as possible" and stealing a large amount of money from a family member. (He's previously said of his troubles: "I don't want kids to think it's okay to drop out of school and get high, and they'll be famous actors, too.")

    Lea Michele, Monteith's girlfriend and Glee co-star, has issued an official statement:

    "I love and support Cory and will stand by him through this," she tells PEOPLE exclusively. "I am grateful and proud he made this decision."

    And so has Fox:

    "Cory is a beloved member of the Glee family and we fully support his decision to seek treatment. Everyone at the show wishes him well and looks forward to his return."

    [People, USA Today]

    Now that your boyfriend Ryan Gosling has quit acting, he has all the time in the world to nearly come to blows with strangers over Eva Mendes' honor.

    We're told the pair, in town for the premiere of their new movie, "The Place Beyond the Pines," were at the Bowery Hotel Friday when a fashion photographer who had recently shot Mendes saw her and shouted, "Hey, baby!" "Ryan completely flipped out, and it got heated," says an eyewitness. "Ryan got in the guy's face and said, ‘Who are you calling baby?' Eva had to jump in and calm everyone down before it came to fisticuffs. Ryan then made nice and shook the guy's hand."

    Baby Goose feathers fly! [Page Six]

    There's been no movement on the Lindsay Lohan front, although two weeks ago she was sentenced to 90 days in "lockdown rehab" (which doesn't exist, by the way). Meanwhile, she's been partying in Brazil and allegedly stealing shit from the set of Anger Management. But apparently there was one absurd clause to Lohan's compliance with the rehab deal:

    She'd agree to rehab ONLY if the facility would allow her to continue taking Adderall.

    Apparently LiLo's been abusing Adderall since 2010, when she got a prison doctor to prescribe it. Her lawyer, incredibly, said he'd find a place that would accommodate her request. Logic fail! And also, it doesn't exist. [TMZ, TMZ]

    On the way back from Brazil, her tit almost came out. [NYDN]

    If you're of the mind that Justin Bieber's merely going through a "phase" rather than becoming a mini-Lohan, headlines like "Justin Bieber's Monkey Seized In Germany" don't help your case. The aggressive lil' pop nugget's capuchin monkey Mally was taken into quarantine at a German airport for lack of papers after he snuck the monkey on a private jet. [The Sun]

    Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon and #dembabies went on vacation to celebrate the couple's fifth anniversary. Painstakingly documented by Mimi, natch. [NYDN]
    • Wiz Khalifa is suing over a cancelled show. [TMZ]
    • A judge ruled that the two remaining members of En Vogue can keep calling themselves En Vogue. (What a mighty good judge.) [TMZ]
    • Annnnd here is Paris Hilton partying with Hugh Hefner. [Daily Mail]
    • One Direction's Harry Styles is working on a solo album. [MTV UK]
    • Janet Hubert, formerly known as Aunt Viv on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, currently known as a wack job, wants to reconcile with Will Smith. [HuffPo]
    • Michael Bublé is cutting down his touring schedule because of his new bablé. [Contact Music]
    • Louis Vuitton wheelchair-bound Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney went to a strip club and then ended the night at McDonalds. Hashtag American dream? [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
    • Selena Gomez isn't looking for a relationship post-Bieber, so don't even try. [MTV UK]
    • Demi Lovato's new album's cover art features her naked and covered in glitter. [Gossip Cop]
    • Kourtney Kardashian has offered to be a pregnancy surrogate for Khloe Kardashian. [Radar Online]
    • Drake and A$AP Rocky won't be invited to the as-yet theoretical Chris Brown/Rihanna wedding. [The Sun]
    • Breezy was booed at a Knicks game on Easter Sunday (sitting next to Spike Lee!) but he only laughed. [NYDN]
    • Pregnant Peaches Geldof exists, wore clothes. [Daily Mail]
    • Britney Spears did Easter Sunday with the other Spearseseses. [People]
    • Want to know what Food Network star Ann Burrell cooked the Obamas for Easter? I can help you with that, if nothing else. [People]
    • Jennie Garth in a bikini looking Stepford Wife-ish (in a good way?) [Us Weekly]
    • Another bikini picture: Hayden Panettiere. [Us Weekly]
    • Kim Kardashian was unsurprisingly terrible in that new Tyler Perry movie. [NYDN]
    • Jimmy Kimmel will marry his fiancee Molly McNearney in July. [Page Six]
    • A barely-visible photo of Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green's son Noah! [Us Weekly]
    • Lena Dunham and Jack Antonoff "made out." [Page Six]
    • Halle Berry is rallying the celebrity troops to attempt to officially block the paparazzi from snapping the children of celebrities (with a camera. Not, like, in half). [Page Six]

      And, scene.

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    As the Rihanna bacchanal—Rihacchanal?—known as the Diamonds tour continues to suffer under the weight of four concert cancellations (Boston, March 10; Baltimore, March 12; Houston, April 15; Dallas, April 16) and late publicity appearances, the rumor mill was fed by her paparazzi-snapped exit from a Beverly Hills medical building.

    Her reps say that she's suffering from the flu and laryngitis, and her friends add that she's depressed that her sickness is forcing her to let her fans down, but the tabloids persist on providing us with unsolicited Ri-Ri uterus updates that claim she's got Chris Brown's bun in the oven.

    Nope nope nope nope. A source says: "[Rihanna] is just sick, and that’s really it. I know, that’s not a good enough reason because everybody wants some drama and the rumors that she’s pregnant to make the rounds, but sorry, not this time. She’s not pregnant!” [Hollywood Life, E!, TMZ]

    Billy Ray Cyrus didn't write much about Miley and Liam Hemsworth's relationship in his memoir Hilbilly Heart (LOLZ) because he isn't sure they're gonna get married/she's just being Miley, etc. "I don't know, I really don't. They're young. They're kids. The great news is, they're great friends. They're really, really good friends. If you end up getting married, that's your business too, you know?" Miley's gonna be sooooo maaaaad. [AOL Music]

    Furthermore, when Liam asked for Billy Ray's consent after he proposed, Billy Ray made a joke: "I jokingly said, 'Can I be in your brother's next movie?' And then I said, 'No, I'm joking.' It was a good question. He never did answer ... I should have said next two movies! And get me in that film of his too.''" What a funny joke! It's so funny! He totally wasn't joking! [TV3ie]

    For the first time since 2011, Britney Spears is returning to the studio to record a single. It's called "Ooh La La" and it will play over the credits of Smurfs 2. My palms might have started bleeding just typing that. Yeah wait no it gave me the stigmata. Cool. [L.A. Times]

    Russell Brand informed Conan O'Brien that he attempted to get Tom Cruise to play Scientology's Pied Pieper on the set of their movie Rock Of Ages, but Tom wasn't biting. (Remember, this was around the dissolve of TomKat, so he had other things on his mind. Like aliens.) Brand told Conan:

    "Every so often I'd say things like 'oh Tom, sometimes I'm a bit lost in life' to see if he would try and get me in and he'd go 'oh yeh, I dunno, read the bible. Or 'Tom, I wish I had a way of thinking more positively about the future." [But] that man had no interest in getting me into Scientology at all... If there’s a cult that don't want me, I want to know why!"

    Ah, Russell. We like you godless and slithery.

    Bryce Dallas Howard, who directed one of the Jennifer Aniston-produced lifetime shorts that comprise the five-part "Call Me Crazy," said that mental illness had a special significance to her since suffering from post-partum depression after the birth of her first child in 2007. "It went untreated for eighteen months because I was just so ashamed and frightened. I didn't know what it meant and didn't know what happened to me. Getting to have an opportunity to tell a story that is about mental illness and how it affects one's self and one's community was really something that really meant a lot to me." [Us Weekly]

    • "They'll say, 'Oh, he's sexy,' but women still go for guys who are 6-foot-2. "It's nice that people are thinking outside the box, but I don't believe any of it for a minute." Peter Dinklage calls out your bullshit. [NYDN]
    • Katherine Jackson fears that Debbie Rowe's testimony in the Jackson wrongful death suit might expose paternity secrets. [TMZ]
    • Edward Norton's fiancee gave birth to their son. [Us Weekly]
    • Justin Bieber put a cartoon of himself in bed with a seemingly-nude "Belieber" on Twitter and everyone went rabid and thousands of parents across America decided, no, they did NOT know their own 14-year-old daughter anymore, now give them a fishbowl full of sauv blanc. [Page Six]
    • Whoopi Goldberg doesn't give a flying fuckbutt who replaces Joy Behar and Elizabeth Hasselbeck on The View at all, like, AT ALL. "Let me tell you this about The View: I take a paycheck every other week. That's all I do. I could give a shit what comes. I do my job — I have a contract. That's where I stand. I don't give a fuck." But tell us how you really feel, Whoopi. [Us Weekly]
    • Regarding her potential biopic, Stevie Nicks "has told Reese [Witherspoon] that she's almost too old." Zingity zing. [People]
    • Sylvester Stallone's mom shops at the 99 cent store. [TMZ]
    • Gabby Reece didn't mean women should be submissive, she just meant, um, women should be submissive. [HuffPo]
    • Kanye West will be the musical guest on SNL on May 18th. [Page Six]
    • Shortly before Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne's split, they made a 911 call about a burning candle at 4:45 AM, with Ozzy sounding incoherent. [TMZ]
    • Nicki Minaj to Mariah Carey on American Idol:"Simmer down, sir." A+ [HuffPo]
    • If you want your Krysten Ritter fix, the final episodes from Season 2 of Don't Trust The B- In Apartment 23 will be released online soon. [Vulture]
    • Amber Rose got a big old inking of Wiz Khalifa's face on her arm. [Bossip]
    • Everyone wants to fuck Idris Elba. Not news, but I like that picture of Idris Elba, and this is MY horse and pony show. [Bossip]
    • Mark Wahlberg isn't a fan of the spray tan. [Page Six]
    • Dammmmn. Nick Lachey on going on a date with Kim Kardashian in 2006: "Let’s just say this: We went to a movie. No one followed us there. Somehow, mysteriously, when we left, there were 30 photographers waiting outside. There are certain ways to play this game, and some people play it well." [Bossip]
    • Meanwhile, Kim K is getting her karmic comeuppance by growing hair all over her body because she's pregnant (??!) [TMZ]
    • Jennifer Aniston goes "cupping" (an Eastern medicine procedure involving hot glass bulbs placed on the skin to drain toxins and stress). Stars are still just like us, you guys. [E!]
    • Here's Girls' Jemima Kirke kissing jewelry designer Pamela Love, both in wedding gowns, from the catalogue of Stone Fox Brides. [People]
    • is going back to school to study quantum physics, although he already wrote his thesis on the subject, "Boom Boom Pow." [CTV News]
    • I guess that $50,000 pen was just a decoy; Robert Pattinson gave birthday girl Kristen Stewart his grandmother's opal ring AND THE BLESSING/CURSE OF IMMORTALITY. [Hollywood Life]
    • Lisa Rinna may join The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. [Radar Online]
    • The writers of E!'s Fashion Police are officially on strike. [CBS News]
    • Jonah Hill bailed on three blondes to hang out with "an older woman" who happened to be Arianna Huffington's sister. [Page Six]

    Image via Getty.

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    As Ana Steele would say, "Argh!" In a desperate bid to land the directing gig for Universal's Fifty Shades of Grey, Gus Van Sant sent the studio an unsolicited test tape of a sex scene from the book, starring Alex Pettyfer as Christian Grey and an "unnamed actress" (offff course) as Anastasia:

    The scene, insiders said, is when the ingénue Anastasia Steele loses her virginity to Grey.

    While Pettyfer hasn't been on the shortlist of actors reportedly in talks for the role, none of that shit ever seems to be true, so whatever.
    Universal and Focus have declined to comment on any list stories, long or short, though a Universal spokesperson said that the studio isn't out to directors or actors, nor have they commissioned any test reels. WME has also declined comment.

    Katy Perry has filed a $6.5 million counterclaim against the hair product company GHD (Good Hair Day) for breaching the terms of their endorsement contract. They continued to use her image on their website despite the fact that the deal was broken by November of 2014 due to Perry's "significant [decrease] in market appeal." [THR]

    This one time Ke$ha drank her own pee and it was totally a normal thing we'd all do. Wednesday!

    "I heard it was good for you. That was, like, the rumor. But I don't know. I'm also just one that doesn't shy away from things. I'm not good at saying 'No' so I just figure, fuck it, I'll try anything once. So I tried it. I wouldn't recommend it. It was pretty gross. And I don't think it really did anything very beneficial to me so, yeah, I wouldn't probably do it again."

    [Contact Music]

    Ben Affleck has announced that he's joined the charity Live Below The Line and will be subsisting on $1.50 a day for five days to raise awareness for poverty. Also taking part are Josh Groban, Sophia Bush, Debi Mazar and Gabriele Corcos. The rules are pretty stringent: Your total five-day food bill shouldn’t go over $7.50, and you’re not supposed to rummage through the pantry for snacks, unless you factor how much the items cost into your total. I give Ben one day. He seems like he can't go 48 hours without a Keebler fix. [TIME]


    Chelsea Handler (Reese Witherspoon's sister in the world's worst movie, This Means War): "She's doing fine. She's doing fine, you know? She was just trying to protect her husband, so...I mean everybody makes mistakes, so it's not a big deal."

    Matthew McConaughey: “I’m happy to see that she seems to be the kind of woman that would do just what she did. Come out and be forthright about [it]. Look at it in the eye and be forthright.” [Access Hollywood, Us Weekly]

    • Rihanna spent $8,000 on a Miami stripper. [TMZ]
    • Britney Spears' ex Jason Trawick "needed a buzz cut to get laid" or something. Is that how that works? [TMZ]
    • Jersey Shore's Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino has started to shoot his reality show, after making us wait for not long enough. [TMZ]
    • Jenelle Evans was arrested for heroin possession and the assault of husband Courtland Rogers. [Us Weekly]
    • No, that is not a picture of Wand Erectioner Niall Horan in the shower. Sry! [Gossip Cop]
    • Robert Downey Jr. managed to link Iron Man 3 to the Boston Marathon bombings as a way to spread violence awareness. I'm reallllly starting to not like him. [Page Six]
    • Matt Lauer wanted to assemble a "crisis team" after Ann Curry's firing to find out why people hated him so much. [Page Six]
    • Iron Man 3 star Goopy Paltrow keeps it low-key around the house. (But you do not ever have frizzy hair so shut the front door.) [People]
    • After a screening of Before Midnight, a guy in the audience of the Tribeca Film Festival came up to the microphone and told Julie Delpy: "Your tits look great." She played it off. [Page Six]
    • Janice "World's First Supermodel And Now Tell Them About Their Cover Girl Deal, Tyra" Dickinson has filed for bankruptcy thanks to whopping plastic surgery bills. Can she built a sprawling ranch house on Nigel Barker's beautiful bald dome? [NY Post]
    • Speaking of unnecessary programming, Vanilla Ice Goes Amish. Don't make me say it again. [EW]
    • Trina's brother has been shot to death in Miami. RIP. [SOHH]
    • Justin Bieber's manager is looking into leaving the confiscated monkey, Mally. in a sanctuary in Germany. [Guardian UK]
    • Meanwhile, J'Beebs has acquired two new tattoos: a tiger and an angel. [E!]
    • Amanda Bynes has been "speaking in a non-sensical language" to herself. Christ. [Radar Online]
    • Victoria Beckham may cover her very first American Vogue. [Entertainmentwise]
    • Jason Segel's children's book Nightmares! has been snapped up by Random House. [Deadline]

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    In an interview with Redbook, Khloe Kardashian klarified that she is not jealous of Kim for getting pregnant with the Kimye-by and that just because she has fertility problems she isn't the jealous, spiteful baby monger tabloids say she is.

    “People assume I’m desperate for a baby,” she says. “And yes, I would love to have a baby. But I’m 28, and I’ve been married three and a half years. I love my life, but it doesn’t feel incomplete right now. Please. People want to assume that I’m devastated [about Kim's pregnancy]. I couldn't be happier. I actually got mad at Kourtney, because she was afraid to tell me at first. So I get why people think I’m hurt, because my own sister thought I would be.

    I do think [sharing] my difficulty getting pregnant has helped a lot of women...Do I wish people would quit asking me about it 24/7? Yes, but I don’t regret [talking about] it. I was 26 when that started, and I admit, I didn’t know a lot about my body."


    Gwyneth Paltrow has turned her home with husband It Was All Yellow into a Subway sandwich restaurant. Just kidding, a royal fortress of superiority.

    TMZ has learned ... one of Gwyneth's Brentwood neighbors claims she and hubby Chris Martin built a 9-foot-tall gate in front of their mansion — WAY ABOVE the legal limit of 6 feet — and it's an eyesore.The angry neighbor says no other residents — including fellow celebs [like Harrison Ford] — have gates over 6 feet tall, so why should Gwyneth?

    "Why should Gwyneth—?!?!!" Jesus Christ, EDUCATE YOURSELF. [TMZ]

    Julia Roberts (hereafter referred to as Star Teeth to save time) hates the shit out of the guy her sister Nancy Motes is marrying and doesn't want to give them any money. Star Teeth thinks the dude is a freeloader who intends to live off Motes' paychecks—S.T. got her a job as a production assistant for Glee. Aside from the scrub fiance, they seem to have a great relationship:

    In 2005, Julia “exploded” when she caught her little sister snapping photos of her newborn twins, and in 2011 they got into an argument went Julia made “disparaging” remarks about Nancy’s weight.

    More importantly, is that really the best job Julia fucking Roberts could get a family member? Freshening Matthew Morrison's Jheri-curl? [Radar Online]

    Florence Welch accidentally acted out a Portlandia sketch. Thus, the hazards of wearing anything your great-uncle might describe as "doodads."

    “Florence was outside the Standard Grill with friends when she became entangled in the furniture. Her strings and tassels were stuck... she tried to walk away, but the dress started dragging the chairs with her.”

    [Page Six]

    • Surfer Bethany Hamilton is engaged. [People]
    • Ali Lohan doesn't coast on big sister Lindsay's fame - she just "shows up on time," which feels like a passive-aggressive dig at Lindz. [Us Weekly]
    • Meanwhile, LiLo gets up at 6:30 and does chores at Betty Ford like everyone else, ostensibly. [Radar Online]
    • Tiger Woods got shitfaced at the Met Gala and embarrassed Lindsey Vonn. [Us Weekly]
    • Rihanna said that Nicole Richie's Met Gala outfit made her want to throw up (she meant it in a good way). [Us Weekly]
    • Young models and Alexander Wang hang out in the women's bathroom at the Met gala/where the real party is. [Page Six]
    • There were Airheads at Mama June's wedding. I haven't had an Airhead in a goodly ten years. Jealous. [TMZ]
    • Reese Witherspoon's stepmom is a dick. [Radar Online]
    • Chris Brown's plane made an emergency landing and the cockpit was filled with smoke. Scary. [Access Hollywood]
    • Someone's gotta teach that Justin Bieber whippersnapper a lesson, say L.A. cops. [TMZ]
    • Blake Lively wore a really, really cute coat at some point recently. [People]
    • Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough are dramatic. [Page Six]
    • Britney Spears and her kids ran away from the Calabasas wildfire. [Page Six]

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    After three years of dating, Vampire Diaries' onscreen and real-life couple Nina Dobrev and Ian Somerhalder have broken up. But TV's low-key equivalent of K-Stew and R-Patz will stay civil on the show because — quoth a source — they're "consummate professionals," and "will continue to work together and remain best friends, which is where the relationship started."

    There's a very good chance that this is untrue, but there's a rumor floating around that Dobrev gave Somerhalder an ultimatum once he was on the list of actors being considered for the role of Christian Grey in Fifty Shades: Get Dobrev in as Ana, or else don't accept the part. Cold. [Us Weekly]

    Britney Spears appears on the cover of Shape looking happy in a white bikini. She's been trying to get fitter to prepare for her upcoming Vegas show in the fall.

    "I like [working out]. Then again, I hate it. I'm in my 30s now, so I have to work harder to keep it up. "The [Vegas] performances won't be simple — they'll be a massive party from start to finish. And to pull this off, I have to be in top condition and running at full speed."

    (Back in 2009, she told Glamour: "I have had to work hard at getting it back to where it used to be. I used to be obsessed with working out. …[now], three days a week is cool, even two.") She's on the Nutrisystem plan — a shake for breakfast and lunch plus a dinner of protein and vegetables. She also says she tries to make fewer chocolate chip cookie batches for Jayden and Sean or "I'll eat the whole bowl of dough." [USA Today, Us Weekly]

    Last month Luke and Chris Hemsworth had a romantic intervention for their brother Liam (a brontervention? A brintervention?) during which they tried to convince him not to marry "Just Being" Miley Cyrus. Whether it worked for good, only time will tell, but the two have slowed down with the wedding plans and are supposedly taking some time apart. [Page Six]

    Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson have not spoken in six years, a stark departure from their hyper-articulate, cerebral married life as exhibited in the Maysles brothers' documentary series Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica. And furthermore:

    "What is the best thing about no longer having Joe Simpson as a father-in-law?" Andy Cohen asked Lachey on Watch What Happens Live with the rest of 98 Degrees.

    He replied: "The best thing about not having Joe Simpson as a father-in-law [is]...I don't have to play grab-ass under the table on Easter Sunday."

    Haha. Oof. [Us Weekly]

    I know we're so so sick of Farrah Abraham, but uhhh, I guess she told Entertainment Tonight she's made that porn because she's really into "privacy" like how Kim Kardashian and Miley Cyrus are into "privacy"?

    “I was under the belief [that filming with Deen] would help better protect me and my privacy. I was like, ‘If this guy is so professional, and everything is going to be fine, then I was like, I’m happier with this choice.’”

    Logic at work. [Gossip Cop]

    Jinkx Monsoon, crowned the Season 5 winner of RuPaul's Drag Race on Monday, encapsulated what I think is the typical opinion of She of Eternal Goopdom: "Gwyneth Paltrow - she always looks like she's about to cry. I wish someone would just kick her and get it over with. But I loved her in The Royal Tenenbaums." [Us Weekly]

    • This is Megan Fox exploring herpetology with her Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle body double. [TMZ]
    • Lisa Bonet is suing the other driver involved in her 2011 car crash. [TMZ]
    • Katie Couric and her two very pretty daughters are in a Got Milk? ad. [People]
    • Carly Rae Jepsen just dyed her hair red so call her, maybe. [People]
    • So did Chelsea Clinton, but maybe be a little more intimidated to call her, maybe. [Us Weekly]
    • The music video for David Bowie's "The Next Day," featuring Marion Cotillard as a hooker with stigmata, Gary Oldham as a priest, Bowie as a Christ figure, and Mickey Rooney as himself, was pulled from YouTube for it's potentially offensive religious imagery. [NYDN]
    • Real Housewife of Atlanta Phaedra Parks just gave birth to her second kid. [People]
    • Kaylee De Fer, a.k.a. Annoying Fake Cousin Charlie on Gossip Girl, is pregnant. [Us Weekly]
    • Chris Brown screamed along to that Gotye song that I'll be totally okay never hearing again except when some guy Ford Taurus thinks he has the right of way at an intersection. (BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO CUUUUUT ME OFFFF.) [Us Weekly]
    • Michael and Dina Lohan are going to "family therapy" with Lindsay in Georgia Rule II: The Reckoning. [Radar Online]
    • John Legend allegedly cheated on his Sports Illustrated swimsuit model fiancee Chrissy Teigen by making out with some other woman in a club bathroom. [Page Six]
    • Demi Moore "loves getting attention from young men," say tabloids because there is not enough room to add "so that she can bathe in their blood to make her withered, crone-like flesh younger. Because she's a CRAGGY OLD SEA WITCH." [Radar Online]
    • Margaret Cho says in a stand-up routine that her Face/Off co-star John Travolta "is Oscar Wilde gay, like Lord Byron gay." [Business Insider]
    • The Young and The Restless star Jeanne Cooper has passed away at 81. [TMZ]
    • Your first look at Taylor Swift on The New Girl. Looking like Taylor Swift. [Gossip Center]
    • Kim Kardashian and the Kimyeby wore a bikini. [NYDN]
    • Martha Stewart is meeting two suitors on the Today Show RIGHT NOW with Matt Lauer as an awkward hovering dad-figure. [Twitter]
    • Presented without commentary: Rick Moranis makes his return with a debut album. It's called My Mother's Brisket & Other Love Songs. [Vulture]
    • Dennis Rodman is celebrating his birthday with copious tits. [Page Six]
    • "Hollywood hunk Gerard Butler was seen chatting up Orlando Bloom’s wife, former Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr. But Butler was then spotted asking fotogs to erase any shots of them together, several spies told Page Six." Which is actually way more suspicious than letting the pics be printed, so way to go, Gerard Butler. [Page Six]

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    Rihanna has filed a $5 million lawsuit against Topshop for using images of her on T-shirts without her consent. Apparently Team Ri-Ri tried to negotiate with Topshop for the last eight months — and spent at least $1 million on litigation — but they offered her a measly $5,000 and told her to do her damndest, says a source: "What is most offensive for Rihanna is that they basically told her, ‘Go to hell. We don’t care; we are going to continue selling you."

    The loophole that owner Sir Philip Green and co. use to get away with this is that "[they] buy the pictures from a photographer, but they do not pay the artist licensing fees. Unfortunately, U.K. law does not protect the artist." [Page Six, Bossip]

    Incongruously, Emma Watson's Hollywood crush is Kevin Costner ("I met him in an elevator the other day. I couldn't even speak.)

    We learn this and other factoids (like the Keeping Up With The Kardashians marathons she watched to portray Alexis Neiers) in a new W Magazine interview with Watson to promote The Bling Ring.

    I’ve never wanted to grow up too fast: I wanted to wear a sports bra until I was 22! The allure of being sexy never really held any excitement for me. I’ve never been in a terrible rush to be seen as a woman.

    Also, these two final lines win:

    [Interviewer] Kevin Costner is so American.
    Watson: Of course! Kevin Costner is forever. And America too! [W Magazine]

    Lindsay Lohan is gaining weight at the Betty Ford Clinic — God forbid — because she's not living on speed, tequila shooters and Pez every day anymore. “[Lohan has been] extremely emotional this past week and is finding comfort in food. Lindsay can’t stop eating, and has gained five pounds because she has such poor eating habits. She has been exercising, but she just doesn’t have a lot of energy because she is no longer taking Adderall, which is a psychostimulant medication that contains amphetamine. She has been talking to a nutritionist at Betty Ford about eating healthier."

    She gained FIVE POUNDS? Better get back on the smack. [Radar Online]

    Kanye West premiered a serenade to Kim Kardashian at the Met Gala and sang it again at the Roseland Ballroom on Wednesday. He sang directly to a :D-ing Kim:

    "Stop everything you're doing now/ Because baby, you're awesome / Don't let nobody get you down/ Because you're awesome/ You don't need to listen to your manager/ You must be tired of running through my mind/ Can I come inside? … I'm also awesome .../ I'd rather do nothing with you/ than something with somebody new/ Because baby you're awesome."

    This has been an inside look at the most reclusive celebrity couple of our time. [Us Weekly]

    Also: Kim plans to take the Kimyeby on tour with 'Ye. [TMZ]

    • Avril Lavigne "doesn't believe" in chasing men so she let her fiancee Chad Kroeger chase her. Down the street. Screaming "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ON JOEY'S HEAD?" [Daily Mail]
    • Candice Glover won American Idol. [People]
    • Former Days of Our Lives actor Dylan Michael Patton was charged with dealing coke. [People]
    • Here is the derpy cover of Corey Feldman's memoir Coreyography (srsly) that you all haven't been waiting for. [People]
    • After calling the Met Gala "unfun," Gwyneth Braise Your Soy-Brushed Salmon 40 Minutes In The Shroud of Turin Paltrow take-backies her diss in GOOP. [Us Weekly]
    • Lady Gaga stole a pair of boots from the underage ravers in Union Square. [Us Weekly]
    • We are monitoring Reese Witherspoon's alcohol intake now. [Page Six]
    • Shia LaBeouf directed a music video. (Highlights of its contents and/or a Shel Silverstein poem you never read: "Tears and chandeliers, an arm chopped off with an ax, sex on a staircase and birth in a bathtub.") [Page Six]
    • on beginning to work on the new Britney Spears album: "Before we even start we've had these juicy sessions, where we've been bonding, building the trust and comfort. I've never worked like this before – not even the Peas." Weird, I was sure that lines like "let's get it started in here, whoo hoo, ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya ya" came after at LEAST a few trust fall sessions. [Billboard]
    • Speaking of which, Britney wants you to be her ooh la la in her song for Smurfs 2. Don't hurt yourself. [ET Online]
    • Fuck Internet baby-weight trolls, says Bryce Dallas Howard. [Radar Online]
    • Amanda Bynes's mental health is improving, say sources close to her. [Radar Online]
    • This fab00 portrait of Bea Arthur naked sold for almost $2 million at auction. [NYDN]
    • Brad Pitt's back at Paramount after Angelina Jolie's tough few months. [NYDN]
    • Miley Cyrus' brothers wouldn't go to the Maxim Top 100 party because it was too weird that their sister was the #1 sexiest woman. [NYDN]
    • All 115 pounds of Zoe Saldana might be dating an artist named Marco Peregro. [People]
    • Michael Jackson's nephew Taj said that he was molested as a child by a family member on his mom's side and MJ was a support system for him afterwards, even leaving a note with an article about molestation for his mother to read. [TMZ]

    Lede images via When I'm Older, Splash

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    Victoria's Secret Finally Finds Kate Upton Worthy Of Its Tacky Bras

    Once Upton a time (last year), a Victoria's Secret model booker said the brand would never deign to hire Kate Upton because her look was "too obvious." For a store that sells boyshorts for 14-year-olds with "I Get Around" written in glitter on the ass, mind you. "We would never use Kate... She’s like a footballer’s wife, with the too-blond hair and that kind of face that anyone with enough money can go out and buy." Of course, this was before Upton appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated twice as well as this month's Vogue. NBD.

    So it's understandable that Upton would be furious about VS using photos of her from 2011 in their new catalogue — quickly hitting the Internet along with rumors that Upton could be the next Angel. A source on Team Upton clarifies: “Kate’s not currently contracted to work with Victoria’s Secret, and they didn’t contact her before they used these images.” Fucked up. [Page Six]

    Victoria's Secret Finally Finds Kate Upton Worthy Of Its Tacky Bras

    Model Chrissy Teigen took to TwitterAmanda Bynes' stomping ground — to voice her disapproval of the current state of Bynes' affairs. “The fact that Amanda Bynes has any ‘support’ to retweet is really unsettling. Support people with mental illness, yes. But don’t condone/enable scary and poor behavior.”

    Naturally, Bynes did not take to this, responding:

    @chrissyteigen Ur not a pretty model compared to me. I signed to Ford models @ age 13. I don’t look up to u beauty wise. I’m far prettier than u! I’m offended that you’re saying I have a mental illness when I show no sign of it, but thankfully not one man that wants me wants you and you are an old ugly model compared to me! You look 45! You’re not pretty so I’m not intimidated by you! I think you’re jealous that you’re just an ugly model whos career is uninspiring! I don’t respect you! You’re no beauty queen! I’m a beauty queen!

    Bynes' parents are currently seeking a conservatorship for Amanda, who refuses to let them intervene at all — in fact, she says she's currently suing them for money laundering.

    Says a source close to the Bynes family, “Amanda has heard voices for years, and was concerned she was being spied on via smoke alarms, and clocks in her home. She would cover electronic items because Amanda believed that was the only way she wouldn’t be spied on. It’s extremely sad situation because Amanda just refuses to get help.” [E!, Radar Online]

    Britney Spears will maybe, maybe, maybe, hopefully, be the rare person who Amanda allows to help her. [The Superficial]

    And here's former child star Mara Wilson (Matilda) on why child stars go crazy. [Cracked]

    Victoria's Secret Finally Finds Kate Upton Worthy Of Its Tacky Bras

    Hailee Steinfeld and Jessica Szohr hung out at Taylor Swift's $17 million Rhode Island house for Memorial Day Weekend, where they probs ate millet burgers, drank lavender lemonade, watched "Now and Then" and leaned their heads on each others' shoulders as they watched the fireworks from one big Pendleton blanket. (For part of the time, Lena Dunham and Jack Antonoff were also present.) [Us Weekly]

    Destiny's Child reunion! Okay, so they're calling it "Kelly Rowland ft. Beyoncé and Michelle Williams," but come on. The three collaborate on Rowland's "You've Changed," from her new album Talk a Good Game. [Billboard]

    • John Mayer and Katy Perry flirted at her Memorial Day party and might (ever ever ever?) get back together. [Us Weekly]
    • Katy Perry and Robert Pattinson watched a wedding from a few paces away, the creeps. [People]
    • Adam Levine is dating yet another model but they're totes casual. [People]
    • That was fast. Anne Hathaway's a brunette once again. [People]
    • LeAnn Rimes is still talking about her affair with current husband Eddie Cibrian and how bad it made her feel. :| [Us Weekly]
    • America's Next Top Model winner Lisa D'Amato is pregnant. [E!]
    • Nina Dobrev got misty-eyed when she reunited with her ex Ian Somerhalder at the CW Upfronts. [Us Weekly]
    • Okay, I don't really know how this works, but Jessica Simpson has to be giving birth soon, right? [TMZ]
    • Jimmy Fallon had a really fun-sounding birthday party for his wife Nancy Juvonen in their "1950s farmhouse." (See? Already fun.) [Page Six]
    • Justin Bieber's handler Scooter Braun is dating a nonprofit founder named Yael Cohen. [Page Six]
    • Meanwhile, J'Biebs denies that he was recklessly driving his car in Calabasas — together, this and the previous item sound way too much like an Entourage story arc than I am comfortable with. [TMZ]
    • AND: Bieber had a showcase showdown with Keyshawn Johnson. [TMZ]
    • Demi Moore skipped Scout Willis's graduation from Brown. Good game, everyone. [Radar Online]
    • Tom Hardy visited a young mother with liver cancer after she told a British talk show that meeting him was on her wish list. He brought her a diamond necklace. (OVARY EXPLODE.) [Gossip Cop]
    • American Poet Laureate Ke$ha has a new music video. [Gossip Cop]
    • Kelly Clarkson will marry Brandon Blackstock on October 20th in Nashville. [Radar Online]
    • While Will Smith says that he and Jada Pinkett Smith didn't push his kids into showbiz, he's kind of glad that's what they chose: "It’s less scary to me than if he wanted to be a dentist in that I couldn’t help with what he’d chosen. I have relationships with some of the biggest filmmakers and actors and producers on Earth. So I can be a huge help.”
    • Buy one of Diddy's reasonably-priced houses for yourself or a friend (me)! [Page Six]
    • Rob Lowe in Behind the Candelabra = Lucille Bluth. [TMZ]

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    "You don't have to look like a movie star/I think you're good just the way you are," Britney Spears sings/high pitch screeches in her song "Ooh La La" for the new Smurfs 2, because apparently the original The Smurfs movie was not enough animated blue people for the world to handle.

    For the video for this FFF (Family Friendly Flick), Spears brought her sons Preston and Jayden along, who she's apparently started early on the hair gel. They are both super cute, especially at the end when they don't really know what to do and just stand there holding her hands. "I have always loved the Smurfs as a kid and now my boys are the biggest Smurfs fans EVER. I wanted to surprise them with a song in the movie," she said when news of the song came out in April.

    "Ooh La La" is barely tolerable and all but what have they done with her foot tattoo?

    Britney Spears's Sons Bop Along in Her Video for Smurfs 2

    I miss the days when she was gyrating with a snake.

    Britney Spears's Sons Bop Along in Her Video for Smurfs 2

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    Katy Perry and Britney Spears Are Smurftastic

    She's a slave to blue. (Sorry.)


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    The Beginning of the End? Rob Lowe, Rashida Jones Ditch Parks and RecRob Lowe and Rashida Jones will be leaving Parks and Rec during the 13th episode of the upcoming sixth season, executive producer Mike Schur has confirmed — because their characters are maybe, probably, having that baby they were talking about at the end of last season.


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