Almost exactly a year after getting engaged to have their likenesses marizpanned and planted into the top of a wedding cake, Britney Spears and Jason Trawick have decided not to do that anymore. Though the split is reportedly amicable, there is still the sticky matter of Trawick being Spears's co-conservator, a post that he will most likely be removed from by the end of the day. It's also interesting to note that Spears has switched agencies (to CAA), which tells TMZ that her romantical/business partnership with Trawick is no longer a necessary legal entanglement. [TMZ]

Brian Williams visits the set of Girls so often to watch his daughter Allison pretend to have sex (or not) with diminutive New York artists that Lena Dunham joked about having a camera set up to catch all of Papa Bear Williams's squeamish paternal reactions: "We always make jokes about how when there's a sex scene with Allison we want to have like a BriWi-cam, like just like a camera on his face where we can register it all." [News Busters]

TMZ found an audio clip of Lindsay Lohan telling Canyons co-star James Deen, "Do your fucking job!" like a bossypants. Deen, meanwhile, says that Lindz only became so irate with him because he gave her a flip answer about why he took a starring role in The Canyons:

Hours before the rant she asked why I was doing this movie and I said 'For fun.' I meant for personal experience and enjoyment of working on a Bret Easton Ellis movie. I don't think she understood my intention behind saying 'for fun' and thought it meant that I wasn't going to try.

James Deen will, like, try or whatever, but he probably won't try that hard because acting is easy. U mad, Lindsay???? [TMZ]

So now that it's just Britney, are you ready for the Britney Spears Experience to hit Las Vegas? Well, you better get ready because a wild rumor has been greased up and set loose on the internet that one of the Caesars properties is trying to woo Britney to put on a "Celine-type show," which will then run for eternity. I know what you're thinking: not even Britney's show can run for fucking eternity. Then again, good authors, too, who once knew better words now only use four-letter words writing prose, so I guess anything goes. [TMZ]

Evan Rachel Wood and Jamie Bell will be having a baby. Well, Evan Rachel Wood will be having the baby while Jamie Bell watches, but still, the baby's conception was probably a team effort and you can't spell "team" with an "e" AND an "a," which are two of the key vowels in "penis" and "vagina," respectively. [People]

• Just as it was with Elaine's almost-doctor boyfriend, it's always been a dream of Jennifer Lawrence's to dump whomever she was dating when she won her first Academy Award and find someone better. So, in the thick of awards season, she's broken up with boyfriend Nick Hoult, which is pretty much like daring the Academy not to vote for her. [In Touch]
• This is 9-year-old Quvenzhané Wallis, the youngest-ever Oscar nominee, breaking it down at the Critic's Choice Awards and filling your Friday with smiles. [NY Mag]
• No, former Blockbuster employee Quentin Tarantino will most certainly not answer your question about how violence in movies affects violence in real-life. He's answered it, like, a million times already. He'd much rather tell you why should rent Flashdance instead of Dirty Dancing. [LA Times]
• Prosecutors in Texas have finally recovered the Randy Travis blood samples that were lost in an August vampire raid, and are ready to charge the country crooner with a DWI. [E!]
• The New York Post caught newly-funemployed Regis Philbin shuffling aimlessly around his living room wearing nothing but tube socks and an open bathrobe, and asked him if, now that Meredith Vieira is quitting Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, he'd like to have his old game show gig back. Philbin merely stared out of his dead eyes, sighed, and answered, "Maaaaaaaybe." [NY Post]
• "Boys will be boys!!! Cause they can't be men," Rihanna's Twitter intern wrote about Chris Brown. However, for the sake of a lively argument, let us offer this rebuttal: Boyz II Men. [Twitter]
• People are taking sides in the Osbourne and Gaga War. You'd better grab a sharpened opinion and jump into the fray before peace is declared and you look ridiculous for not enlisting. [MTV]
• Here is what looks like a photo of Ben Affleck feeding Bradley Cooper an invisible sour cream and onion chip with lots of dip *wink wink*. [E!]
• Uggggh, paparazzi! Isn't that right, Cory Montieth? (Cory Montieth says yes, that is quite correct. He also wants to know if anyone would like to come play croquet on his front lawn this Saturday. He's making lemonade...) [E!]
• Demi Lovato is a Spartan war queen. Er, no, she's actually a fan of the Michigan Spartans. Wait, okay — she's living in spartan conditions at a sober living facility, because drugs or whatever. [TMZ]
• "The thing is that ever since I was a little girl, I LOVED dressing up, and somewhere along the way I made a promise to myself to always dress in clothes I like!" That was Dita Von Teese on keeping promises. [XO Jane]
• Here is a fashionable and famous porcupine named Teddy eating corn and making adorable "eeep!" noises. Shall we kidnap him? [Boing Boing]

YEAH, I SAID IT.

If you thought you could enter 2013 with the confidence that your favorite weirdo fake-vampire supercouple Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson had repaired their freaky union, you were incorrect. Sorry! Apparently they've been arguing throughout their stay in London these last few weeks, a source (Taylor? Is it you, Taylor?? Cowering under a coffee table with your iPhone?) told Life & Style.

"Things with them aren't good. They've been fighting a lot. Rob isn't happy. It's just a matter of time before he ends this. Rob is at a point where he sometimes ignores her. He'll go out and won't respond to her calls or texts right away. Things will be strained for a while. She knows she has to go along with it. She is working hard at the relationship."

The friend adds, however, that the two have a chance when they start filming movies far away from each other: "If they are able to work out being apart while Kristen is filming then they have a shot." Keep in mind that this is still the "trial reconciliation" as instated by R-Patz as he tries to forgive K-Stew for RupertSandersAwkwardBridgeHumpingGate. Seriously, these two are worse than Ross and Rachel. [MTV UK]

• Britney Spears and Jason Trawick split because she wanted more kids and he did not. [TMZ]
• James Deen wouldn't confirm or deny whether he slept with Lindsay Lohan during the filming of The Canyons. [TMZ]
• Joan Rivers tells Lady Gaga to lighten the hell up about Fashion Police because it's just a comedy show: "Anyone who comes out of an egg should be able to understand that." [Us Weekly]
• Ronald Reagan's daughter Patti Davis insists that the new NBC sitcom 1600 Penn is a ripoff of a show she pitched. [Page Six]
• Original MTV VJs Nina Blackwood, Martha Quinn and Alan Hunter have written a book about their experiences, including reminiscing about when Madonna was "fleshy." [Page Six]
• I'm generally not a baby person, but Drew Barrymore's kid Olive is genuinely adorbs. [Us Weekly]
• For awhile there, it looked like Kobe and Vanessa Bryant would split, but they've worked things out. And check out that faux-parchment paper they announced it on. [Bossip]
• Taylor Swift has gotten this whole songwriting-as-catharsis thing down to an efficient science: she's allegedly already penned five Harry Styles breakup jams. [Sugarscape]
• The Kardashians are being sued over their Khroma Beauty makeup line by a Florida makeup artist who claims she used the name first. (FYI: when I Googled this, I ran across a product called "Kim Kardazzle face palate." Derrrrp.) [Daily Mail]

• Starbucks has a venti orange mocha frappucino-sized bone to pick with Patrick Dempsey since he fronted Tully's the money to stay in business. [Contact Music]
• Man, we're old. When Leonardo DiCaprio, Jonah Hill and Chace Crawford went out, all the girls flocked to Hill and Crawford and ignored DiCaprio. [Showbiz Spy]
• Selena Gomez "resurfaces" after her split with Justin Bieber. As in, yes, she is still existing on this planet. [Us Weekly]

One of the criticisms of Jodie Foster's already legendary Golden Globes speech was the idea of expounding a need for personal privacy on, you know, a nationally broadcast awards show. Its detractors could have predicted this next turn of events, which, of course, is a resurgence in tabloid stories about Foster, particularly the paternity of her sons Charles, 14, and Kit, 12.

The Daily Mail is now claiming that the father was Randy Stone, a publicly gay Academy Award-winning casting director who worked on Foster's 1991 movie Little Man Tate. Stone, who Foster called "her best friend," passed away of heart disease in 2007. His mother Reverend Beverly Bates told the Mail that although Foster refuses to confirm or deny her suspicions that her son is the boys' father, she believes that he did "give her the gift."

"Randy told me that Jodie said she would tell the boys who their father is when they're 21. He said he could never tell me because Jodie was his best friend. He said 'Mom, I can't discuss this with you'. He told me he had had to sign documents, it was a secret he took to his grave, that was how much he loved Jodie. He said 'I can't break my promise to Jodie,' and he kept his promise to her."

Stone had also urged Foster to come out in public for years, and an associate of Foster's says that her coming-out speech at the Globes was "her way of honoring Randy." [Daily Mail]

Poor Britney Spears' ex-fiancee Jason Trawick went over her head and teamed up with her dad Jamie Spears to carefully extricate himself from their weird engagement/business deal/partnership thing:

"Jason wanted out, and in the fragile state that Britney is in, it's not like he could have a rational conversation with her about it, so it was really between him and Jamie... They decided how the relationship needed to end and how to go about the technicalities. Britney was left out of everything and really didn't even know what was going on."

This is SOOOO what "Lucky" is about, you guys.

"Jason and Jamie wanted to make sure that Britney didn't lose it, so they had to water things down for her a bit. She knows that the engagement is off and that Jason has been removed from the conservatorship, but she still hasn't exactly grasped yet that the relationship is totally over."

:-| [Radar Online]

Bookmaker Ladbrokes is offering odds of 50/1 that Kate and Kim will give birth on the same day and if they give birth in the same week the odds are slashed to 7/1. If Kate's baby arrives first punters can expect odds of 6/1 (until Kim announces her birth date). [...] Paddy Power is offering better odds on the famous mothers 'doing the double' at 66/1.

Also includes the quotes: "We'll all be wetting the baby's head sometime late July" and "We fancy Kate to start pushing first!" Guhhh, UK, I thought you were classier than us. [Entertainmentwise]

BREAKING: Kim Kardashian got bangs "for real." [Us Weekly]

Ann Romneybot (Who? Egg?) has previously exhibited some interest in reality television in the past (Direct quote: "Who keeps up with the Kardashians? Who can keep up with the Kardashians?!") and was approached by Dancing With The Stars producers just after Mitt Romneybot lost the election. Mrs. Romney, who showed up at the last season finale and proclaimed herself a #1 fan, was "very interested" but ultimately decided against it after a few meetings with the network. However, one hopes she will continue to twerk it, pro-bono, in the privacy of her own alien pod. [TMZ]

As it turns out, despite his comments about Lena Dunham ("She's a fat chick who looks like Jonah Hill and keeps taking her clothes off"), Howard Stern is a fan of Girls and has since gone back on his self-proclaimed "hatchet job" on the show. "It makes me feel bad and I think she is getting the impression that I somehow think she's just a talentless little fat chick," Stern said. [Radar Online]

• Lindsay Lohan turned down a rehab-mandated plea deal by firing her lawyer minutes before she stepped inside the courthouse. Theatrical! [TMZ]
• Mama June doesn't want "Crazy Tony" on Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo anymore. I have no idea what that sentence means? [TMZ]
• HA. HA. Fucking HA. [Hollywire]
• Hulk Hogan is suing the Laser Spine Institute of Florida for giving him bad back surgery. [TMZ]
• Terminator 2's Edward Furlong was arrested once again for domestic violence. [TMZ]
• Nicki Minaj explains to Jay Leno that she and Mariah Carey are both just "passionate" people. [HuffPo]
• Blue Ivy's first sonogram photo is here, courtesy of the upcoming Beyonce documentary Life is But a Dream. [NYDN]
• The peanut butter cups of One Direction are in Ghana for the UK charity Comic Relief. [Sugarscape]
• Ryan Gosling's "perfect day" involves knitting. [Yahoo News]
• Charlie Sheen says he wasn't on drugs at the time of his infamous meltdown: ''It was just my brain was kind of separated into itself." Very convincing. [Contact Music]
• NASCAR driver Danica Patrick is divorcing her husband. [USA Today]
• Anne Hathaway will headline in an upcoming modern reworking of The Taming of the Shrew. Dude, you can't beat this. Just don't even try. [The Sun]
• Megan Fox's husband Brian Austin Green picked her Golden Globes dress. [Us Weekly]
• Adele "has eczema from boiling bottles," still won't reveal her kid's name: "It's very personal to me." [Us Weekly]
• Tara Reid spent New Years Eve in Russia, where citizens can actually match her grain alcohol intake. [Page Six]
• A Speidi sex scene on Celebrity Big Brother UK was banned for being too racy/existentially depressing? [Radar Online]
• At the Weinstein Co. afterparty for the Globes: "Richard [Gere] was the first guest to arrive, without his publicist, and he seemed to be very confused and lost. He left shortly after and couldn't find his car, panicking and calling his agent for help." Remember that time celebrity confusion is always the LOLs? [NYDN]

• Weinstein Co.'s Globes party nearly went up in flames when a drunk woman crashed into a heating lamp, sending the contraption and the guest toppling into a wooden table and chairs. A witness said, "There was a gasp as guests could only watch the flaming tower fall and wonder whether it would then ignite the wooden patio furniture. But luckily the fire went out and the wobbly woman was attended to, then escorted to the exit." At the same time, [Heidi] Klum jumped up on a wobbly cocktail table at midnight, dancing to hip-hop. Castle star Nathan Fillion told the supermodel if she got on the table, he'd take off his pants, which he did.

  Soooo the Weinstein party is the best one, then? K. [Page Six]

For Lady Gaga's next trick, she will buy Neverland Ranch and cover it with black vinyl and spikes. Gaga, who has previously purchased 55 pieces of costly Jacko memorabilia, befriended LaToya Jackson and wants to help a "desperate" Paris, Prince and Blanket keep their 3,000-acre childhood home, which was sold to an investment group in 2008. The kids and Katherine Jackson still have shares.

Our Mother Monster, ever a philanthropist to the misanthropes, wants to help them out by buying more shares and "restoring Neverland to its original state," complete with a little train, petting zoo, fairground and bleak, desiccated American dreams. I can see the Enquirer headline now: ODDLY-DRESSED HUMAN WOMAN POPS OUT OF EGG, SAVES JACKSON FAMILY. [NME]

After applying a exfoliating clay face mask and doing a thorough scouring of IMDB Pro on a low-key Friday night in, Taylor Swift reportedly chose Bradley Cooper as her next album fodder and had Jennifer Lawrence introduce them. Coop-a-doop, however, was having none of it:

"First of all, her reputation precedes her. Bradley is very wary of dating someone who is a bit of a serial dater like Taylor. He thinks she's far too young for him. [...] It was a little awkward for Bradley [when] Jennifer came to him and told him that Taylor was interested in getting together. He had to politely decline, knowing full well that Jennifer and Taylor are friends. It was an ambitious move from Taylor, but she's going to have to fixate on someone else as Bradley's just not that into her."

Does T-Swizzle now have enough famous exes to recreate The Usual Suspects poster??? (You're welcome, GQ.) [Radar Online]

Megan Fox tells Esquire she can't stand pills and doesn't like drinking because she feels out of control. You guys know what she likes? Speaking in tongues!

"It feels like a lot of energy coming through the top of your head. Your whole body is filled with this electric current. And you just start speaking, but you're not thinking because you have no idea what you're saying. Words are coming out of your mouth, and you can't control it. The idea is that it's a language that only God understands. It's the language that's spoken in heaven."

She has also seen "magical, crazy things" happen and people get "healed" at church. I know whenever life throws problems my way, I turn to God. [NYDN]

Town & Country's most eligible bachelor is Prince Harry, even though he does not learn school good:

He's the wild-card royal, the naughty one, the one who goes out with rah women, hangs out with a fast crowd, downs too many drinks, and goes home at the wrong moment. That's why we all like him best. Harry might not possess a towering intellect [but] he is cooler and more appealing than his older brother.

Haha, ouch. P.S. Just Googled "rah." It means "posh twat." [People]

George Clooney joked about cosmetic 'nad surgery and had the LOLS for himself and others: "I never fixed my eyes, but I spent more money to stretch the skin of my testicles. I did not like the wrinkles. It's a new technique, many people in Hollywood have done it. It's called 'ball ironing.'" [News.com.au]

• Amanda Bynes' new cheek piercing will change your entire life. [E!]
  
• The Canyons didn't get into Sundance and its creators are choosing to blame Lindsay Lohan. [TMZ]
• LiLo is also blackballed from the W Hotel in New York for causing $50,000 worth of damage. [Us Weekly]
• Anne Hathaway apologized to her buddy Claire Danes for impersonating her Homeland character on SNL by sending her flowers. [Express]
• Tamera Mowry tried to get Tia to eat her (Tamera's) placenta by dropping it in brandy... Sorry, I just floated up at my body and looked down from the ceiling and pondered the strange road my life has gone down? [HuffPo]
• David Bowie's producer says that the second single off his new album sounds "dark and sexy... like stripper music from the 1950s. Old bump-and-grind stripper music." All the old bump-and-grind strippers will be so happy! [The Sun]
• The wedding dress Queen Bey wore in the "Best Thing I Never Had" video has surfaced on a resale website for $30,000. WORTH IT. [People]
• Charlie Sheen's going to be a grandpa. His daughter, 28-year-old Cassandra Estevez, is pregnant. Hide your kids, hide your wives. [Ace Showbiz]
• Elton John's new son with David Furnish is named Elijah Joseph Daniel Furnish-John. I'm kind of still not over the fact that one of his older son's middle names is Levon? Anyone else? [People]
• Jason Trawick ain't getting $hit from Britney Spears after the dissolution of their engagement. [Radar Online]
• Here are "Ten things you need to know about Niall Horan's bum." Don't try to take the GRE without them. [Sugarscape]
• Real talk: Does anybody actually care about Kate Bosworth?? [People]
• Pregnant Jenna Dewan-Tatum and Emmanuelle Chriqui went to yoga. [Us Weekly]
• Supposedly Selena Gomez has joined a "popular celeb Bible study group" to get over Justin Bieber. She should ask Megan Fox where she worships! [Us Weekly]
• Kim Kardashian covers her head to cover the Arab luxury magazine Hia. [The Life Files]
• Lifetime's Drop Dead Diva has been cancelled. [THR]
• New Yorkers Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts moved to L.A. with their kids. [Page Six]
• The room where Whitney Houston died last year, Room 434 of the Beverly Hilton, is reportedly now being used for storage. [Page Six]
• Olivia Wilde's blurry-ass engagement ring. [NYDN]
• Is Jessica Chastain going out with Tom Hiddleston? Alas, the answer appears to be no. [Gossip Cop]

Shockingly, nobody is looking for any more crack party planning advice from Pippa Middleton since her book Celebrate made a fart noise that echoed throughout the publishing industry (although tips like "Make ice!!!" are extremely helpful), her following two book offers—one on wedding planning and another on children's' parties—have been rescinded. She is now unemployed, embarrassed and "fed up" with being controlled by the Royal Family. Ughhhhh, Kate, Kate, Kate!

However, things aren't all bad. She has been schmoozing with wealthy Belgian boar-hunting siblings Cedric and William Frere. "She's undeniably skilled at engineering her way into the right circles, and these Belgian boys are another example of her skills. She's having a ball!" SO WATCH OUT, BOARS. On days like these, when the biggest celebrity item is the size and shape of Pippa Middleton's latest bowel movement, I wish I could trade writing for boar hunting. But that's the way the cookie crumbles. [Showbiz Spy, Celebrity Dirty Laundry]

Although rumor has it that Robert Pattinson has finally dumped Kristen Stewart for good after an awkward, unfriendly New Year spent with his protective friends and family, Stewpatz have ranked as the highest-grossing on-screen couple in Hollywood out of the last three years, Twilight having made $3.3 billion since it hit the big screen.

Following those two were Rachel McAdams/Channing Tatum; Natalie Portman/Ashton Kutcher and fellow real-life duo Miley Cyrus/Liam Hemsworth. So basically, if Stewpatz splits, every tween and stunted adult Twilight fan is the petulant child of divorce who will totally start dressing Goth. [Marie Claire UK]

You'd think that your self-inflicted misfortunes would become clear to you after The New York Times writes a 5,000 word piece about it, and yet Lindsay Lohan continues to choose her choices poorly: she Instagrammed a coy little shot of herself and The Wanted band member Max George, who she trained her fucksights on a few months ago, in what appears to be a bedroom? Is this proof? Does anyone care? It's mostly just kind of sad because:

George has been publicly dismissive of the redheaded train wreck, calling her a "groupie" and saying, "She was good to party with, but there's definitely not going to be any babies on the horizon."

:-( LiLo also turned down a $550,000 offer to do Dancing With The Stars—which, let's face it, was crazy to offer her a regular gig in the first place. [Page Six, TMZ]

The Two Best Photobombs of President Obama's Inauguration

Bill Clinton and Kelly Clarkson Edition:

And Malia Obama and her Mom and Dad Edition. [Us Weekly]

Game Of Thrones Season 3 teaserrrr. [HuffPo]

• Rihanna tipped a waiter at the Laugh Factory $200. (But that still doesn't make having to hear Dane Cook's set worth it.) [TMZ]
• Meanwhile, Chris Brown got "swatted," the newest microtrend in annoying celebrities/Los Angeles cops. [TMZ]
• Real Housewives of Beverly Hills "star" Adrienne Maloof is dating Rod Stewart's son Sean. [TMZ]
• Zayn Malik has a dubious new hairstyle. [4tnz]
• Mark-Paul Gosselaar is calling for a Saved By The Bell spinoff. [TMZ]
• Bobbi Kristina got herself a new Lexus and will try not to crash it thrice like she did her old Camaro. [TMZ]
• Joseph Gordon-Levitt's movie Don Jon's Addiction has sold to Relativity after its Sundance premiere. [Vulture]
• Sheryl Crow says that if her ex Lance Armstrong kept his doping secret any longer, it would have been "devastating." [CBS News]
• Pam Anderson will appear as a contestant on Holland's Dancing On Ice. [Express]
• Anderson Cooper is considering leaving CNN if he's replaced by Ann Curry.
• Taylor Swift flew to London, reportedly to "talk" to Harry Styles. [The Sun]
• Angelina Jolie's kids' poop keeps Angelina Jolie grounded, or something. [Showbiz Spy]
• My thirteen-year-old self would be DYYYINGGGG about Michelle Kwan's wedding dress. [People]
• This picture! Of Drew Barrymore and her daughter Olive in a lobster costume! [Us Weekly]
• Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus went to Costa Rica. [Us Weekly]
• James Franco wrote a terrible poem about President Obama. [The Frisky]
• The end of an era: Britney Spears removed her $90,000 engagement ring. [TMZ]
• Amanda Seyfried looks delightfully seventies as Linda Lovelace in the Deep Throat biopic. [NYDN]
• Once upon a time, Joe and Nick Jonas told some fans to scram: "We do so much for you, and you want a picture? Get out of here." :( [Radar Online]
• My mom's boyfriend Jamie Oliver has a YouTube cooking channel now called FoodTube. Mmmmm, food tube. [NYDN]
• "Blowmeo and Juliet." A++++ [NYDN]

Just when I think I can't hate-love Original Kings of Comedy Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag any more, they go and do something un-fuck-withable such as believing in crystals or giving all their stuff away because of the Mayan Calendar. ARE YOU GUYS LOVABLE BUFFOONS OR GODDAMN COMEDY MEGAMINDS!? Not only can I not tell, I can't even tell which one I want to be true. Siiiiigh.

He tells Britain's OK! magazine, "We made and spent at least 10 million dollars. The thing is, we heard that the planet was going to end in 2012. We thought, we have got to spend this money before the asteroid hits.

"Here's some advice, definitely do not spend your money thinking asteroids are coming. But the world didn't end."

Opening up about his extravagant lifestyle, Pratt adds, "I would give my friends $15,000 for their birthday. Just cash. I would buy people cars. Every valet I met got a couple of hundred pounds tip. I would pay people $200 just to open doors for us."

"Here's some advice. Definitely do not spend your money thinking asteroids are coming." EMPHASIS MINE. AS IN, THE EMPHASIZED WORDS ARE LITERALLY MY BOYFRIEND. [SFGate]

Famous penis person Ron Jeremy is recovering in "complete privacy" from emergency heart surgery.

The adult-film icon underwent emergency surgery today after doctors discovered an aneurysm near his heart and, according to his medical team, all went "smoothly."

He is "now resting with complete privacy and no visitors," his doctors said in a statement released to E! News via Jeremy's manager, Mike Esterman. "Everyone on Ron's team has expressed well wishes and a speedy recovery!"

I just always feel like Ron Jeremy must be so tired. Get well soon, Ron. [E!]

Britney says she's recording a new song "for my boys."

"I'm at the studio recording a new song for my boys. They are going to freak out when they hear it. So excited!" Britney wrote. "It's a surprise so keep it shhhhh and don't be grouchy. I'll fill you all in soon ;)"

Something about that announcement is super depressing to me. Can you guys internet-diagnose my sadness? [JustJared]

• Here's Mariah showing her "tummy" in a "crop top, long skirt." New legislation: Adults who use the word "tummy" have to wear diapers for one year. [Us]
• Patty, the last of the Andrews Sisters, has passed away. In her honor, I will now perform a crude tap-dancing routine to "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy," modeled after the one we did on my 1993 girlchoir tour to Vancouver. RIP, Patty. [CBS]
• Dax Shepard says he's grateful the election distracted everyone from Kristen Bell's pregnancy. [People]
• Here are some pictures of Lucy Hale (shot by Terry Richardson) for a Bongo clothing advertisement. That reminds me that when I was in middle school I had a Bongo sweatshirt that said "BONGO" on the front and then some shithead kid made fun of me and said it meant "boobs" and I never wore it again. Childhood is so confusing. [Us]
• Lol @ people trynna act like this eyebrow cat is better than Maru. MARU 4 PRESIDENT. (Eyebrow cat, u can b vice prez.) [E!]
• Huh? Alicia Keys has been named "BlackBerry's New Global Creative Director." [E!]
• Kate Middleton went shopping for workout clothes. [E!]
• Do you like Lucy Liu's dress? E! wants to know, for some reason. I think E! has a crush on you and is looking for excuses to talk. WHY DID YOU FRIENDZONE E! LIKE THAT, YOU WHORE!? [E!]
• "Taylor Swift can't stop crying." [ContactMusic]
• Wednesday afternoon dance party! Let's grind!

The ratings trouble plaguing Oprah's teetering television dominion, OWN, has been well-documented, but now the network is facing a good old-fashioned sex discrimination suit. Actually, not so good, at least not if the lawsuit filed Friday by Carolyn Hommel, the former senior director of scheduling and acquisitions at OWN, bears any credence. Hommel says she was cheerily scaling the corporate ladder to a VP position when all of a sudden she got pregnant, and smacked her head right against the glass ceiling:

According to Hommel ... her duties were slowly transferred to a temporary employee and she was excluded from meetings when she returned from medical leave. Hommel claims she was let go ONE MONTH after giving birth and told to re-apply for the VP gig ... only to be passed over.

Furthermore, Hommel claims her boss, Michael Garner, fabricated a performance review that "made Hommel's job duties and responsibilities appear less 'senior' and therefore not a candidate for the new vice president position."

Ick. The only thing OWN has going for it now is that Lance Armstrong interview nobody really cared about. [TMZ]

• Those of you getting ready to buy your Vegas timeshare so you could have easy access to the Britney Spears experience at Caesar's Palace can start looking for better things to blow your money on. Caesar's confirms that the Britney will not have her own nightly show, and I can only suspect that Wayne Newton is somehow to blame. [Buzzfeed]
• Frank Ocean announced on his Tumblr that he will neither press charges nor retaliate physically against noted pugilist Chris Brown for allegedly punching him over a parking space. "As a child," Ocean explained, "I thought if someone jumped me it would result in me murdering or mutilating a man. But as a man i am not a killer. I'm an artist and a modern person. I'll choose sanity." [Frank Ocean]
• Justin Timberlake brought his sexy back to New Orleans on the eve of the Super Bowl, a gladiatorial event that history professors in the future will describe as a barbaric consumerist headbutting spectacle sponsored by carbonated beverages and corn-based delicacies known as "Doritos." [AP]
• A photographer tried politely to ask Justin Bieber about his recent sizzurp exploits, but Justin Biber just ignored the poor man before hurtling away in his horseless Italian chariot. [TMZ]
• Not only did Jennifer O'Neill, the former assistant now suing Lady Gaga, used to be a Gaga BFF, she also shared a bed with Gaga because Gaga cannot fall asleep without at least three stuffed animals and one human person under the covers with her. [Page Six]
• Who is the singer best equipped to pay tribute to the late Whitney Houston on a CBS special? Surely not Taylor Swift, right? No, definitely Taylor Swift. [Taste of Country]
• Sergei Fillin, the Bolshoi Ballet's artistic director, is "absolutely certain" he knows who threw acid in his face last month. [BBC]
• Paula Deen's assistant got to go on the Paula Deen IMAX Family Cruise Experience 3D, but tweeted almost immediately after casting off from Galveston, "This is a floating nursing home!!!!" [Gothamist]
• John Mayer and Katy Perry held hands on a street carpeted with the deciduous tears of Mother Nature . [E!]
• Kate Middleton went shopping with her royal fetus. [E!]
• Beyoncé will be performing at the Super Bowl halftime show gratis. You're welcome, America. [VF]

So last night Beyoncé literally blew the lights out at the Super Bowl with a powerhouse performance featuring Destiny's Child (dammit, why "Bootylicious"? If they had done "Survivor" or "Bills Bills Bills," I would have jumped on the coffee table and dumped the nacho dip over my head like a 'roid-riddled athlete bathes in Gatorade). Plus she was giving us really intense "fuck you for putting me through all that lip-synching bullshit" death-eyes. Oh, and there were two creepy face-silhouettes made of fire, and a dazzling array of digital Beyoncés, and Michelle Obama called it "phenomenal," AND here is some intel on her black leather butt doily if that's the kind of thing that grinds your gears.

Anyway, she's back, and she's just announced the Mrs. Carter World Tour (love! Love, you guys!), her first multi-city tour in more than three years, which starts in Serbia and ends in Brooklyn. There is a video. It's marginally insane. [YouTube via Hollywood Life]

And here are gifs. [Vulture]

A hella comprehensive list of celebrities responding to Beyonce's halftime extravaganza on Twitter. (With an impressive volume of reactions that are simply "BEYONCE!!!") [Gossip Cop]

It's LOVE, you guys, it's love, I want it. [NYDN]

Ever since Megan Fox's son Noah was born, her diagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder has significantly improved, Fox told Marie Claire UK: "I think Brian [Austin Green] was waiting to see what I would do [during the birth], because, you know, when they come out they are covered in all kinds of stuff. I took him right on my chest and, from that moment, nothing he does freaks me out. I don't want to give him a complex. [The OCD] has been significantly better since he was born. I would say, like, 80 percent better. Which is nice." [Contact Music]

A source close to Katie Holmes says that she wants to start dating again but is scared that she'll fall RIGHT back into being the indentured servant/arm candy of a toothy megalomaniac who prays to space aliens again. Oldest story in the book, you guys. I mean, if I had a dime for every time I talked to my therapist about that, I'd have... zero dimes?

"Katie's in a dilemma, because she wants to date but is concerned where it could lead to from there. She's worried that if she commits herself fully to another man, she will have to give up the freedom she's enjoying so much at the moment. As a single woman, she has no one controlling her nowadays, telling her what to do or who to see and she absolutely loves it!

However, at the same time, she also misses being with someone special to share experiences with and she doesn't want to be alone for the rest of her life. Katie's got Suri for the time being, and she is her best friend, but she does eventually want to find a man she can be that close with as well. She's just a little nervous and cautious about relationships still right now."

[Radar Online]

Justin Timberlake got in trouble with the Twitterverse after his a concert in New Orleans last night, when he prefaced his song "Cry Me A River" (supposedly written about his 2002 split with Britney Spears after she allegedly cheated on him with her choreographer Wade Robinson) with the following: "Sometimes in life, you think you found the one. But then one day you find out that she is just some bitch." He has already taken to Twitter to do damage control.

[Times Live]

• A member of Justin Bieber's posse got in trouble for threatening an errant photo-snapping bystander. [TMZ]
• Are he and Selena Gomez back together? Are we too old to care about this shit? Anyone ever try to self-diagnose shingles? I have! [Us Weekly]
• Nadya "Octomom" Suleman can't keep track of all her damn kids. [TMZ]
• Larissa Oleynik, better known as Alex Mack, the plucky Nickelodeon preteen who got splashed with toxic waste and developed the amazing ability to turn into a Capri Sun commercial liquid-person, got a restraining order against a dude. [TMZ]
• Unfathomably, it has JUST occurred to Lindsay Lohan that she owes her former lawyer $150,000. [TMZ]
• Mel B. borrowed sneakers from Grimace. [Daily Mail]
• Jamie Foxx and Jennifer Hudson sang together at a Super Bowl party. [Just Jared]
• Only a royal person like Kate Middleton can pull off a G-D tartan cape. Props. [Us Weekly]
• Jessica Simpson's little daughter Maxwell stood in her fancy sink and looked inquisitive. [Us Weekly]
• One Direction cheese puff and pride of England, Harry Styles, had a stripper-laden bacchanal for his 19th birthday. [People]
• Michelle Obama took some of her lady friends to go see a Musiq Soulchild concert. To which she danced! Too adorable. [Page Six]
• Stevie Wonder stopped his Super Bowl concert in New Orleans to announce his daughter Aisha Morris's engagement. [Page Six]
• Leonardo DiCaprio and Adriana Lima had sushi separately. Not a euphemism. [Page Six]
• "Katie Couric doesn't live life like a rapper," reads the first line of this item. WHAT? My entire life is a lie.[Page Six]
• Adele got her mom a $950,000 London apartment. [Radar Online]
• Kourtney Kardashian's boyfriend Scott Disick is buying another Miami club. [NYDN]
• Nicki Minaj told her Young Money mentor/pal Lil Wayne he probably wouldn't like American Idol. [Vulture]

The universe works in mysterious ways, but occasionally a gear will click into place and simplify at least one aspect of your troubled adult existence. Examples: cheese going on fries, and the fact that Blair Waldorf and Seth Cohen are dating. See? Motherfucking TOLD YOU. It's like the plot of The Time Traveler's Wife set in the WB/CW universe. The real tragedy is that we don't get a Gossip Girl/O.C. crossover out of it where Serena totes falls for Ryan and his emotionally wounded anecdotes of the hard streets of Chino.

Apparently Leighton Meester and Adam Brody have been going out since they met on the set of upcoming movie The Oranges and have since spent some of January in Bangkok together (ironically the site of Chuck Bass's opium-fueled meltdown after his dad died, not that I watched the show obsessively and loved it and blew a metric fuck-ton of money on this dress). And I mean also, Bangkok. LOLOLOLZ, it is the name of the city in Thailand where they went, and also funny-sounding because = intercourse.

Guys, what is intercourse? Nobody will tell me. [Page Six]

Jennifer O'Neall, onetime friend and later assistant to Lady Gaga, is demanding $380,000 of unpaid overtime from Mother Monster. Their relationship was acrimonious (O'Neall says that she was given no privacy and treated like a slave on the 2010 tour; Gaga called O'Neall a "fucking hood rat.") Instead of paying up, Gaga plans on giving O'Neall's money to a cancer-stricken employee of the Haus, she says:

"Now her parents will keep paying for her and keep her until my cheque comes through, which she doesn't deserve and I'm not giving to her. She doesn't deserve a dollar more. I'm going to give all the money she wants to my employees that work hard for me and deserve it. I am going to give it to Sonja for her breast cancer, for her mastectomy. I'm not going to give it to [Jennifer] so she can go and buy a new tube top."

Which is very philanthropic of her? But wait, I'm having this totally revolutionary idea where you give money to both of them for being your indentured servants. [Daily Mail]

The third installment of Bridget Jones' Diary by Helen Fielding is coming out next fall in the UK. Meanwhile, Lily Allen has written music for the forthcoming Bridget Jones musical (song ideas: up-tempo "Unsexy Knickers," slow R&B jam "Snogging My Chap" and Mark Darcy's soulful romantic ballad "My Gherkin Is Turgid For You"). And also:

A further film sequel Bridget Jones' Baby by Working Title Films is due for release at some point this year.

Oh NBD, that's just Renee Zellwegger pratfalling into the abyss. :DDD [BBC]

I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to feel a little sorry for Chris Brown, whose public likability quotient currently rests somewhere between Hitler and Mel Gibson's. Yesterday, after L.A. courts began to consider revoking his probation because he may have falsified his community service hours in Virginia, he got emo on his now-private Instagram:

"Im wise I can handle the hate but enough is enough yo!! [...] Im a human being and I honestly think I deserve respect im sick of being accused. Im Tired yall just dont understand Ive been going through this shit since I was 19 years old..you cant sit here and tell me to calm down, when am I gonna get a positive outcome out of anything I do?"

Just when everything seems to be going good, some new shit happens. A day in my shoes is a day in hell, believe it or not!"

That's some 2003-suburban-Livejournal shit right there. [E!]

Guy Fieri bugged out when he got turned away from a VIP Super Bowl party. Look, Frosted Tips, you still get to eat delectable plates of straight-up Americana bacon-wrapped bacon ice cream hamburgers for an insurmountable pile of money. Pick your battles. [NYDN]

• Allen Iverson lost his manse in foreclosure. [TMZ]
• "Mama" June Shannon of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo lost 100 lbs in a year without working out or dieting, but attributing it to how the show's producers "have me running around." Expect the Be Running Around And Stuff diet book to hit #1 on the NYT bestseller's list shortly. [TMZ]
• In which Jennifer Lawrence describes her short-lived stint as a carefree, beachy Young in the Abercrombie & Fitch ads: "[The other models] were model footballing. I was real footballing." [Team Coco]
• Beyoncé's snakeskin/iguana/leather butt doily sartorial extravaganza during the Super Bowl has angered PETA. And also probably that snake, that iguana and that cow. [NME]
• David Beckham was almost naked for H&M, and for you and me. [Express]
• The ship steward who claimed John Travolta tried to get a rub-and-tug on the high seas has dropped his case. [NYDN]
• Oh, okay. Charlie Sheen now blames his 2011 meltdown on "too much testosterone cream," which totally sounds like a euphemism Charlie Sheen would use for the contents of his seminal vesicles. But come on, guys, it was cocaine. [SF Gate]
• Kim Kardashian, who was vocally anti-gun on Twitter after the Sandy Hook massacre, posted a diamond gun to Instagram and everybody flipped the fuck out as if she was a Serious Person who should not flip-flop on The Important Issues instead of a person who designed the motherfucking "Kardashian Kollection." [ABC News]
• Speaking of which, Kylie and Kendall Jenner say they don't want to be Kardashians. [Us Weekly]
• Britney Spears is heading to Vegas but won't make that much dolla$. (In celebrity terms, not like "normal person" terms.) [Daily Mail]
• Supposedly the Spice Girls musical Viva Forever sucks wicked taintballs, but sipping on a themed cocktail almost makes the plane ticket worthwhile. [Daily Mail]
• In a twist that absolutely does not surprise my seventh grade numbly-watching-a-Laguna Beach-marathon-in-Erin Higgins'-basement self, Kristen Cavillari's fiancee proposed to her over text message. [Sowetan Live]
• Sandra Bullock's son Louis and Matthew McConaughey's kids Levi and Vida played together at the zoo. [Us Weekly]
• Michelle Williams had no idea that Jason Segel was anything other than a tall, random, un-famous Muggle when they started dating. [Too Fab]
• The One Where Courteney Cox and Matthew Perry Reunite On That Show Go On That Nobody Really Watches, Right? [Us Weekly]
• Speaking of Thailand! A sketch about three guys learning some choice Thai phrases via Rosetta Stone ("How much," "Is that for the whole night," "Ping-pong ball") has pissed off Thailand's governmental officials. [Page Six]
• Does everyone just Photoshop Demi Lovato's cute freckles out? [World of Wonder]
• Actual thing that happened and also a good story kickoff idea for, say, George Saunders: Justin Bieber passionately made out with a mannequin head. [Radar Online]
• Madonna auctioned off the gear and costumes from her ill-fated MDNA tour for Sandy relief. [Page Six]
• It's still so weird that Kristin Chenoweth and The Bachelor's Jake Pavelka are dating. Just saying. Weird. [Page Six]
• Awesome vintage pics of Zsa Zsa Gabor just 'cuz. [TIME]
• Uncle Luke wrote an open letter to Rick Ross that warns him to calm down lest he end up like Biggie. [The Life Files]

In this edition of Tweet Beat, Britney Spears gets a new dog, but we want to know what's going on with the old one, Anna Kendrick knows what makes a good movie (hint: we're still talking about dogs) and Justin Bieber doesn't fear the storm.

Four years to the day after Chris Brown beat the crap out of Rihanna on the way home from Clive Davis' pre-Grammys party in 2009, here they are snuggling at last night's ceremonies. While it's been public knowledge for a while that the two are back together—she even accompanied him to court on Wednesday and blew him a kiss—it was the snuggle that tore Twitter asunder, reports Yahoo Music:

For every negative "Rihanna & Sting onstage together. Good to see her joined by a member of The Police without Chris Brown involved" there was a positive "I don't care what anyone says, Chris Brown and Rihanna are beautiful together! Hate all you want, I love them!").

And thanks to some bling on Ri-Ri's left ring finger, there is rampant Interwebz speculation of an engagement. I'm going to go right ahead and guess "No," thank you. (Fingers crossed.) [Radar Online, NYDN]

Brown chose his all-white duds, by the way, to obtain "inner peace." [Celebuzz]

The paparazzi denies that they had anything to do with his car crash on Saturday. [TMZ]

Ladies and gentlemen, Madonna has finally joined Instagram. She got 27,000 followers in a matter of hours and has posted three selfies of her cleavage so far. [Instagram]

During her Willy Wonka-inspired (?!) white suit-and-top-hat Grammy opening performance of "We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together," Taylor Swift threw some shade at her most recent ex, Harry Styles, by speaking some of the mid-song "guy" dialogue in an English accent. Subtle, Tay-Tay. Also, they continued to cut to Swift throughout the performance because she knew all the lyrics to all the songs and animatedly sang along because she's a legit cartoon princess. [Us Weekly]

Literally everything John Mayer says, regardless of how innocuous, sticks in my craw. I'm sorry, dude's just a chode. He talked to Anthony Mason on CBS Sunday Morning about going steady with Katy Perry: "For the first time in my life I don't feel like I'm in a celebrity relationship. I really don't. I'm not in a high profile – I know it's high profile. It's hard to explain... For me it feels like something that's very human." Nothing high-profile about dating a megastar who shoots fireworks and processed dairy products out of her tits. [People]

Rumors of a Jessica Chastain/Jennifer Lawrence feud have been flying since J. Law took the SAG Award (Chastain was "seething," says a source) and later playfully name-checked Chastain in a swaggy Saturday Night Live monologue. However, Chastain says it's sexist and bogus.

"I find it very sad that media makes up bogus stories about women fighting in this industry. Filming The Help was the most amazing experience and yet, that is the film I'm most asked about in regards to 'fighting on set.' Why do we support the myth that women are competitive and cannot get along? [...] I've done two photo shoots with Jennifer Lawrence over the years and have found her to be utterly charming and a great talent. I've told her how beautiful her film work is."

[E!]

For the two of you who still care, Lindsay Lohan's having a fling with a 22-year-old Brooklyn DJ (may as well just replace all those descriptors with the single word "insufferable" and save us all some time) named Julian Cavin. They're casual for now, but surely her innate charm will make the dude, who spins at Goldbar, want to grow old with her:

"She was a mess," sniffs an insider, who says she arrived with one other female friend. "She started dirty dancing [on Cavin] when he wasn't in the [DJ] booth."

The eyewitness says a gal pal of Cavin's made an innocent comment to LiLo's friend about Lohan and Cavin as "a cute couple."

"She flipped out and told Lindsay," says the source, who reports that LiLo turned to the girl "and goes ‘What the fuck do you think you're doing?' "

"Lindsay grabbed every bouncer and bottle girl she could find and goes ‘Get this girl the fuck out of here,'" the eyewitness says.

[NYDN]

Meanwhile, if LiLo is found guilty after her probation violation hearing, she's reportedly told friends that she'll be relying on the (financial) kindness of her man friends Prince Haji Abdul Azim, hotelier Vikram Chatwal and artist Domingo Zapata. [Radar Online]

• Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are looking into buying three international mansions. [TMZ]
• Right now they're having a blast posing like Jesus in Brazil, as one is wont to do. [NYDN]
• Mariah Carey celebrated Christmas again because she does whatever the actual fuck her heart desires. [NYDN]
• The first shot of Lindsay Lohan's unfortunately-named little half-bro, Landon Major Lohan. [TMZ]
• The first shot of Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green's baby Noah. [Radar Online]
• But the first shot of Britney Spears' new PUPPY, who can fit in her HAND, beats both of the above. [Twitter]
• Katt Williams paid off $280,000 in back taxes. Getting it together. Color me impressed. [TMZ]
• Nadya "Octomom" Suleman got her window smashed in by a Super Bowl enthusiast. [TMZ]
• Drake settled his lawsuit with an ex-girlfriend who claims she co-wrote his song "Marvin's Room." [TMZ]
• Ne Yo is in talks to be the next X-Factor judge. [Extra TV]
• Best moment of Justin Bieber on SNL: when he pretended to take a dick pic for Hillary Clinton. [Newsbusters]
• And although El Beebo wasn't nominated for any Grammys this year, he tried to host a livestream that ended up crashing on him and he was "so frustrated." [Us Weekly]
• FYI, this is what Justin Bieber does when he's frustrated. [Instagram]
• Christina Applegate is leaving Up All Night. [Deadline]
• And here's how they made Carrie Underwood's fucking insane light-up Grammy's dress. [People]
• Adele's baby might be named Angelo! And she says she doesn't sweat the small stuff now that she's a mom. [People]
• Woody Allen tried to placate a diva-tantrumy Soon-Yi Previn after the two had to wait outside for a car for approx. 2 minutes after the amFAR gala. [Page Six]
• After sustaining an injury from a mugging in Paris, Naomi Campbell can wear heels again in time for Fashion Week, so stop WORRYING, EVERYBODY! [Page Six]
• Miley Cyrus had a nipple slip at the Grammy's. Really, it was more of a pasty slip. [NYDN]
• Toni Braxton's retiring from music to focus on acting. [NYDN]
• Kind of old, but Adam Levine got naked for a magazine, if you're into that. [NYDN]

So James Franco deep-throats a pistol in J.K. Rowling's newest novel, James Franco and The Cavernous Sexual Ambiguity the upcoming Harmony Korine film Spring Breakers. Details interviews Franco this month, and its reporter recalls another instance of a Franco onscreen blowjob in his NYU student film The Broken Tower.

In the first of several three-ways, Franco performs some very impressive deep throat on two of his character's pistols after the girls turn the tables on him and shove them in his mouth.

"Most people can't get past that gag reflex at the back of the throat," I say.

"Guess I'm a natural," he says with a laugh. "It was my first time."

"So that wasn't you in The Broken Tower?"

"Oh shit, you're right!" Franco's eyes light up. "It wasn't my first time."

"You're known for going the extra mile, but that was, what, a good eight inches?"

He gives me a get-real look. "That was a dildo." Then he turns that look back on himself, and I see the real James Franco: "If I'd had the guts, it woulda been real."

What a Renaissance man. [Details via D-Listed; image via the Details behind-the-scenes video]

So what else has Franco been up to lately? Falling asleep on the set of Oz, according to Mila Kunis. [Contact Music]

Apparently Steve Martin and his wife Anne Stringfield had a kid back in December but kept it on the DL, just as they did their nuptials in 2007 (they had a party and told the guests they they got hitched). A source says: "They've had a baby, and how they kept it a secret nobody knows. Steve's very private. They are thrilled. They worked hard to have the baby." It's the first child for Martin, 67, and now part of a trend being deemed Hollywood's "A-List older dads club," which also includes Alec Baldwin. Wait, but Martin's life was chronicled in the gritty documentaries Father Of The Bride AND Cheaper By the Dozen AND Parenthood, so he actually has like 67 kids, right? [Radar Online]

Kelly Rowland celebrated her birthday by lunching with Beyoncé, Solange and Jay-Z in Venice Beach, which sounds fine, right? But when Rowland took to the streets of L.A. after lunch, she started sobbing. :-| Citing Bey's success as the reason for Rowland's tears seems too easy of a joke. Maybe she was just emotional? Birthdays are emotional! [Daily Mail]

The occupants of the New York building Amanda Bynes just moved out of under threat of eviction describe their former neighbor like a vaguely more sinister Cosmo Kramer.

"Her door was left open all the time," said one who added, "And we saw that she put red [lightbulbs] in every outlet." The former Nickelodeon star was seen coming down to the lobby "at 2 a.m. one morning, laughing hysterically for four minutes" and then "went back to her apartment."

[Page Six]

KATHIE LEE AND HODA TAKE LOS ANGELES. In case you guys were wondering where all your mid-priced chardonnay went. [Page Six]

• The Italian magazine Chi published photos of Kate Middleton sunbathing in a bikini with her baby bump on holiday with Wills in the Caribbean. The Royal Family's not psyched. [TIME]
• Kris Humphries' lawyer intends to "blow the lid off reality television" by proving that it's scripted. IF YOU PULL THE THREAD, THE WHOLE SWEATER UNRAVELS. No but actually we all knew that. [TMZ]
• Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan's lawyer admits that her client is a freckled, two-legged wreck of a human being. [TMZ]
• And Charlie Sheen offered to pay for half of LiLo's amFAR gown because that's normal. [Us Weekly]
• Actually, says Adele, she and Chris Brown were complimenting each other in that contentious-looking Grammys shot. [MTV News]
• Jersey Shore's Deena wants you to know that a photo circulating of a lookalike flashing her boobs at Mardi Gras is NOT her. Because Jersey Shore's Deena is a demure, turtleneck-wearing JoAnn's Fabrics employee who has never done anything embarrassing in public. [TMZ]
• Matt Damon, viral video fodder, made a water conservation awareness video for water.org in which he says he won't go to the bathroom until circumstances improve. [NYDN]
• Kristin Davis is getting an ancient Chinese anti-aging treatment called Gua Sha. ("Meanwhile, Charlotte had a different instrument in her face.") [National Enquirer]
• Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are adding a "nanny wing" to their house for one lucky lady. (With that and the future tell-all material, throw in a 401K and I'm there.) [TVNZ.co.nz]
• Kim got a "retro makeover" from Lady Gaga's stylist for the March Elle. [Us Weekly]
• And here she is showing her apartment-sized closet to Brittny Gastineau. She has a pair of $90,000 sneakers. It's called being RELATABLE, you guys. [Us Weekly]
• Drew Barrymore is having her tattoos removed on behalf of husband Will Kopelman's Jewish faith. [Radar Online]
• Justin Bieber Tweeted that Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney needed to be "slapped around" after Carney said something admittedly obnoxious about the Beebs' lack of Grammy nods. ("Don't fuck with the Bieber," John Turturro-as-Jesus needs to say here.) [Daily Beast]
• Harry Styles did this because writer Alain de Botton told Metro that he wished the tofu nuggets of One Direction would use their power to educate the youth on Greek philosophers. [Twitter]
• Jamie-Lynn Sigler is having a baby with new fiancee Cutter Dykstra. [Us Weekly]
• Kristen Stewart is gonna fly to Australia to try to save her flagging relationship with Robert Pattinson. [Radar Online]
• Heeeere is Britney Spears in costume and Photoshop for her upcoming video for "Scream & Shout (Remix)." If it's half as crazy as "I Wanna Go," the world will break. [Us Weekly]
• Fuck Kris Jenner, says Phylicia Rashad. Getting served by Claire Huxtable is its own special reward for being an asshat. [Radar Online]
• Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis got all up on each other at a Lakers game. [Daily Mail]
• Keira Knightley's new Coco Chanel commercial has been deemed too sexual for kids. [The Sun]
• LOLZ: "Rita Ora Attacked By Crabs on Video Shoot." [Contact Music]
• This is the best. Paul Rudd, Bobby Cannavale, Peter Dinklage and Joe Lo Truglio have their own karaoke club. ("Sometimes Bobby and I have gone in the middle of the day, by ourselves.") [Chatham Daily News]
• Wait no THIS is the best. Viola Davis:

  "I was the loneliest woman in the world, and someone said, ‘You should just pray for a husband." So she did. "I said I wanted a big black man from the South who looked like a football player, who already had children, who maybe had been married before... 3 1/2 weeks later I met my husband."

  [Page Six]

• Taylor Swift ran around Malibu with a bunch of twentysomething women and "let it all hang out" for her "22" shoot. [NYDN]

Long-suffering country music singer Mindy McCready was found dead via a gunshot wound to the head yesterday afternoon on her porch—the same location that David Wilson, McCready's self-declared "soulmate," took his own life almost exactly a month ago—in Cleburn County, Arkansas. She was 37. McCready's problems arguably began after an exploitative sexual relationship with Roger Clemens at age 15, and she was a success by 20: Her debut album, Ten Thousand Angels, sold two million copies. She attempted suicide once in 2005 and again in 2008, appearing on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew in 2010 to deal with her drug and alcohol issues. In 2011, she kidnapped her 5-year-old son Zander from his father.

McCready had taken a turn for the worse after her two sons, Zander and nine-month-old Zayne, were removed from her care by a judge on February 6th. She was held in a treatment facility for mental health and alcohol abuse problems only to be released two days later. She shot the family dog before shooting herself. I know: Great way to start your morning. [TMZ, CNN]

Twitter reacts. [Radar Online]

"Adele has been chatting to Elton about her fears of singing live again. Elton's been like a godfather to her recently, helping her settle into life as a superstar and the challenges of being a parent." He has also been assuaging her fears of performing live, and she's currently in breathing therapy for stage fright. [MTV UK, TVNZ.co.nz]

Rather unsurprisingly, Rihanna lasted approximately ten minutes at her River Island fashion show in London, which has already garnered pans. Instead, Ri-Ri hit some sex shops with Cara Delavigne because she's Really Into Fucking. Did you know that? I don't know that. (FYI, apparently she is looking for a harness.)

Later, outside the Box nightclub in London, a male stranger began screaming at Rihanna about her reconciliation with Chris Brown and threw a British energy drink at her, resulting in her cutting her knee. Yeesh. It depresses me too, but I'm prrrreeetty sure that's not the way to do it. [NYND, Yahoo OMG UK]

Miley Cyrus, or the Vanessa Bayer impression of Miley Cyrus (which I prefer) "got right up in [boyfriend Liam Hemsworth's face] for bragging to his brother Chris Hemsworth about how nutso he and Miley are in the sack. A source says: "When Liam defended himself by saying Miley's always gabbing to her girlfriends – and discusses details about their sex life – she snapped, ‘That's different! They're my girlfriends and you don't hang out with my girlfriends. But I have to see your brother all the time – I don't want him knowing what goes on in our bed!'" She should just invite Chris into it! And borrow Rihanna's harness! [Showbiz Spy]

"Unfortunately, there's something attractive about someone who's broken, for me, and a lot of women that I've spoken to. My best friend and I are attracted to creeps - sometimes. They're interesting and mysterious and they provide us with this rush and this need to chase or fix – just these needs they fill in yourself. It doesn't make any sense. It's a weird psychology but unfortunately it's the way the world works."

[The Sun]

• Ladies, and some gentlemen: Prince Harry is returning to the States on "official business," a.k.a. shenanigans. [Hello Magazine]
• Shaggy (Remember Shaggy, perhaps better known as Mr. Boombastic?) asked for his song "Angel" to be turned off at Da Club, telling the DJ: "I don't want to hear my own fucking song." The most important question to be answered here is how Shaggy found a car that would take him back to 1997. [Page Six]
• Scott Disick creeped on Khloe Kardashian-Odom. Wait. What? Nobody cares? GREAT! [Us Weekly]
• Pregnant Jessica Simpson, Pregnant Cacee Cobb and Pregnant With Emotion Eric Johnson went to Cheesecake Factory. [Us Weekly]
• Today in People Your Mom's Never Heard Of, Azealia Banks called Diplo a "fucking snake" on Twitter. [Complex]
• Eve is totally backtracking from that comment she made about Britney Spears not singing on a new will.i.am song nobody's listened to. [TMZ]
• Brit-Brit's ex-boyfriend—the one who settled a sexual harassment with her out of court—is a ghost hunter now. [TMZ]
• Water's wet, kittens are cute and Kevin Federline's behind on his taxes again to the tune of $57,000. [Daily Mail]
• Taylor Swift is being sued for $2.5 million for pocketing the paycheck for a Canadian "hoedown festival" that ended up not happening. (It's for the best.) [TMZ]
• Ric Flair (a.k.a. the inspiration for Will Ferrell's Ashley Shaffer on Eastbound & Down) has asked for a protective order from his abusive, alcoholic wife. Definitely NOT "woo!" [TMZ]
• Katherine Heigl's husband Josh Kelley Tweeted a cute picture of himself and their daughters. Still can't forgive her for The Ugly Truth. [People]
• Everybody calm your buttholes, Katy Perry and John Mayer aren't engaged. And also that ring is fucking ugly, right? [People]
• It's Monday, so some model is rebounding from Adam Levine with Calvin Harris. [Page Six]
• Naomi Campbell reserved a table for her myriad assistants and bodyguards at a table next to hers at a restaurant. So at least she lets them eat. [Page Six]
• Jay and Bey watched NBA. And I am a poet. Hurray? [Daily Mail]
• Russell Brand admitted the Arthur remake was a mistake. You're telling me. Christ. [The Sun]
• Amanda Bynes is interested in getting some plastic surgery/continuing to have a Network-style breakdown. [NYDN]
• Mariah Carey took her mom to see "Phantom of the Opera" for her 76th birthday. Disturbingly Muggle behavior for Mimi, but I'm sure they went back to her house and showered themselves with diamonds. [NYDN]

A poised and hella grown-uppish Prince Michael Jackson has landed a job as a special correspondent for Entertainment Tonight, a pretty impressive gig for a 16-year-old although though my impulse is to yell at him to stay the fuck away from show business and go work at the Dairy Queen like a normal teenager because I just want him to be happy. Alas, this is not to be. He told ET, "I'm looking to become well-rounded as a producer, director, screenwriter and actor."

Jackson's first assignment was to interview the cast of Oz: The Great and Powerful, to which he has a "special connection" since his dad Michael Jackson was in The Wiz. ET correspondent Brooke Anderson told him that he seemed wise for his age. He replied "That's what most of my people say. That was all thanks to my dad. He raised me right." ;___; [HuffPo, video at ET]

Newly-minted gadabout Leonardo DiCaprio takes a break from bragging about the women he's fucked in order to try to save the elephants. He's helping launch the World Wildlife Fund's new campaign, "Hands Off My Parts." He sent a personal e-mail out about the initiative, which calls for the Prime Minister of Thailand to ban all ivory trade in the country.

As a key step, I am joining WWF and others calling on Thailand's government to show leadership on elephant conservation by shutting down its ivory market before the country hosts a meeting of 177 nations on wildlife trade in March 2013."

Who would want to kill an elephant? A DICKHEAD, that's who. [Page Six]

What? The actual cutest thing in the world? That would be Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz's son Egypt kissing Jay-Z and Beyonce's baby Blue Ivy.

I think Egypt kissed Blue, and I don't think Jay liked it very much," she told the talk-show host. "He called my husband and was like, ‘Watch your son.'

That killed me, and I'm dead. [Page Six]

80-year-old record mogul Clive Davis comes out as bisexual in his new memoir Soundtrack of My Life, in which the twice-married, twice-divorced Davis discusses his first sexual encounter with a man in the Studio 54 days: "On this night, after imbibing enough alcohol, I was open to responding to his sexual overtures." He refers to the hookup as "a welcome relief," and divulges that he was in a relationship with an unnamed male doctor from 1990 to 2004. [Rolling Stone]

Far be it for me to pass up a good Dido story. When she turned 40, she fell down on her treadmill and had an accident, and now she can write a wistful song about it. With strings.

"I loved turning 40, other than flying off the treadmill while trying to get fit on my birthday on Christmas Day. That threw me out for a bit. More than a year later I still have scrapes on my legs... I was crying and laughing at the same time. I'd walked across the treadmill by mistake forgetting it was on and just went flying. That was my welcome to my forties."

Guys, remember THE Roswell THEME SONG? If it came on now I would instantly begin sobbing. [Contact Music]

• Vivid Entertainment has pulled Mindy McCready's sex tape. [TMZ]
• Morrissey's all-vegetarian concert: a thing. [E!]
• The Beckhams celebrated son Cruz's birthday in a low-key way. JK. [Just Jared]
• It's official: Taylor Swift's "I Knew You Were Trouble" is about Harry Styles. Not about Ed Helms, as you initially suspected. [Daily Mail]
• Who did Britney Spears go out with on Valentine's Day? A MYSTERY NAMED DAVE. [Daily Mail]
• Boy George lost mad weight. [People]
• So did Chaz Bono. [NYDN]
• Michelle Williams' daughter Matilda is exactly as precocious as you'd imagine. [People]
• Adrien Grenier hit on some women. It's called "news," guys. [Page Six]
• I guess Rihanna and Chris Brown fought over Drake? [Zee News]
• Notes from John Lennon's murderer Mark David Chapman are going for $75,000 because everything is fucked up. [NYDN]
• That racist deli that accused Forest Whittaker of stealing is like, "Fucking WHOOPS." [TMZ]
• Ally McBeal put a bikini on and people cared. [Us Weekly]
• Justin Timberlake and Hova will perform in London. [THR]
• Kate Middleton went outside. We need to stop trying to make "babymoon" happen. It's not gonna happen. [Us Weekly]
• This picture of Knox Jolie-Pitt gave me chills. LET KIDS DRESS LIKE KIDS. Tiny sharp black blazer = future therapy. [Us Weekly]