'I Don't Live My Life Making Fun of People': Justin Timberlake Responds to Homeless-Gate 2012

October 26, 2012, 5:40 pm

≫ Next: Dirt Bag: Tim Tebow and Camilla Belle Substitute Bowling For Sexual Intercourse

≪ Previous: Taylor Swift and Conor Kennedy Split, Rain Falls on the Grassy Knoll of Her Heart

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In case you missed it, a couple of Justin Timberlake's skeezy friends made a "hilarious" video for him as a "wedding present," in which they filmed adorable dancing homeless clowns congratulating the happy couple. See, it's funny, because homeless people aren't friends with celebrities and don't get to go to weddings in Italy. Because they're too busy eating garbage and not having shoes. HAR!!! Anyhoo, JT has finally issued a statement addressing the antics of the "knuckleheads." More »

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Dirt Bag: Tim Tebow and Camilla Belle Substitute Bowling For Sexual Intercourse

November 1, 2012, 6:01 am

≫ Next: Today in Things I Couldn't Even Make Up, Britney Spears Is Writing a Novel

≪ Previous: 'I Don't Live My Life Making Fun of People': Justin Timberlake Responds to Homeless-Gate 2012

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Tim Tebow has a giiiiiiiirlfriend: actress Camilla Belle, the infamous subject of our magical unicorn love mascot Taylor Swift's angry song "Better Than Revenge" after Belle supposedly stole Joe Jonas from her (Best dis: "No amount of vintage dresses give you dignity"). More »

Today in Things I Couldn't Even Make Up, Britney Spears Is Writing a Novel

November 5, 2012, 5:30 pm

≫ Next: Melissa McCarthy Is Hella Positive About Weight, Life

≪ Previous: Dirt Bag: Tim Tebow and Camilla Belle Substitute Bowling For Sexual Intercourse

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It's true! It's true! It's happening and it's true and modern Briterature (SORRY) will never be the same. Britney Spears—our Brit Brit!—is currently in negotiations with Harper Collins to pen the next Great American Novel. One can only presume it has something to do with the Old Lady Who Drops It Into the Ocean at the End going on an epic road trip with Anson Mount's Weird Mono-Nostril to the denim tuxedo factory where they time-travel-speed fast enough to take down all the people who are ahead of uuuuuuuus. The working title is, "HUUUUUHHHHHH!?!?!?!?!?" I spent literally all afternoon trying to come up with a fake Britney Spears book proposal that would do comedic justice to the concept of a fake Britney Spears book proposal, but it just isn't possible. If you guys want to give it a shot, put 'em in the comments. Writing exercise!!! Anyhoo: More »

Melissa McCarthy Is Hella Positive About Weight, Life

November 7, 2012, 6:00 am

≫ Next: Brangelina Threatened By Jonny Lee Miller's Mediocre CBS Show

≪ Previous: Today in Things I Couldn't Even Make Up, Britney Spears Is Writing a Novel

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In which Melissa McCarthy, undoubtedly for the umpteeth time, is asked about her weight and how she feels about it: "Pretty much everyone I know, no matter what size, is trying some system. Even when someone gets to looking like she should be so proud of herself, instead she's like, 'I could be another three pounds less; I could be a little taller and have bigger lips.' Where does it end? Sometimes I wish I were just magically a size 6 and I never had to give it a single thought. But I am weirdly healthy, so I don't beat myself up about it — it wouldn't help, and I don't want to pass that on to my girls." More »

Brangelina Threatened By Jonny Lee Miller's Mediocre CBS Show

November 8, 2012, 6:00 am

≫ Next: Adele Doesn't Care About Her Weight and Probably Has Better Sex Than You

≪ Previous: Melissa McCarthy Is Hella Positive About Weight, Life

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The National Enquirer, bastion of all legitimate-and-definitely-not-made-up-by-peoples'-greed-and-imagination news, reports that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's slinky, uber-sexual union is being torn asunder by, of all things, Tivo. Brad's allegedly pissed at Angelina for secretly recording episodes of her ex Jonny Lee Miller's detective series Elementary; she initially said she was curious to see Miller's acting and how he had aged (and told Brad the show was so bad she couldn't get through the first episode), but continued to tape the show behind his back. And the kids think Jonny is cool. Tough break. Nevertheless, I still believe that a few rounds of lion sex can solve any marital problem between two extremely rich Pretties. [National Enquirer] More »

Adele Doesn't Care About Her Weight and Probably Has Better Sex Than You

November 9, 2012, 6:00 am

≫ Next: Rihanna Commandeers a Plane, Gets Journalists Wasted

≪ Previous: Brangelina Threatened By Jonny Lee Miller's Mediocre CBS Show

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While Adele is OK with her weight, occasionally the Internet is not. "I read a comment on YouTube that I thought would upset me — ‘Test pilot for pies' — but I've always been fine with it. I would only lose weight if it affected my health or sex life, which it doesn't." Shit, yes. You can't help but wonder what Adele's reaction would be to Lady Gaga bringing her weight up in that sort of—can I say it?—well, sorta whiny way in response to her own weight-shaming by the media ("Adele is bigger than me — how come nobody says anything about it?" asked Gaga, then going on to praise Adele's confidence). Naturally, Adele's too classy to respond to that a public forum. She's so classy we don't even know her kid's name. More »

Rihanna Commandeers a Plane, Gets Journalists Wasted

November 16, 2012, 6:00 am

≫ Next: Kim Kardashian Will Bring Peace Milkshakes to Middle East

≪ Previous: Adele Doesn't Care About Her Weight and Probably Has Better Sex Than You

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To kick off her 777 tour, Rihanna's taken 200 bloggers and journalists on a Boeing 777 for a week. I've used my crack investigative skills to determine that everyone is getting fucked up and having a good time. At one point, Ri-Ri personally served cognac. One of the writers, Julieanne Smolinski, has a quick Q&A posted already about the in-flight bacchanal, and many of the journalists are diligently tweeting. More »

Kim Kardashian Will Bring Peace Milkshakes to Middle East

November 20, 2012, 6:00 am

≫ Next: Whoops, Jessica Simpson Accidentally Got Pregnant Again

≪ Previous: Rihanna Commandeers a Plane, Gets Journalists Wasted

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After being roundly chastised for having—I mean, I guess, kind of—an opinion of sorts on the Israel-Palestine conflict and Tweeting about it, Kim Kardashian is going to make it up to the people of the Middle East by visiting Kuwait and Bahrain, and she's "determined" to learn about the conflict. She is also planning to "make appearances at some Millions of Milkshakes shops opening in the two countries." Yeah, we were serious about that milkshake thing. But, actually who doesn't love a milkshake? More »

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Whoops, Jessica Simpson Accidentally Got Pregnant Again

November 28, 2012, 6:00 am

≫ Next: Sunday Sing-Off: It's Britney's Birthday, Bitch!

≪ Previous: Kim Kardashian Will Bring Peace Milkshakes to Middle East

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In the immortal words of the classic holiday song: Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but Jessica Simpson is pregnant. It's been seven months and at least 109 headlines since the birth of Maxwell Drew and Simpson's subsequent public struggle to drop the baby weight/become a momshell/shed her human form/whatever everyone's been obsessing about, and now we get to do it all over! More »

Sunday Sing-Off: It's Britney's Birthday, Bitch!

December 2, 2012, 3:30 pm

≫ Next: New Mom Hilary Duff Is a Morning Sex Enthusiast

≪ Previous: Whoops, Jessica Simpson Accidentally Got Pregnant Again

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Let's go back to a time when the world was a simpler place and Britney Spears wasn't 31-years-old. Time — it moves too quickly. More »

New Mom Hilary Duff Is a Morning Sex Enthusiast

December 17, 2012, 6:00 am

≫ Next: Rebel Wilson Hosting the MTV Movie Awards? So Far the Apocalypse Is Awesome

≪ Previous: Sunday Sing-Off: It's Britney's Birthday, Bitch!

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Thanks to the antics of nine-month-old Luca Cruz, new mom Hilary Duff now prefers to get her fuck on in the morning with husband, retired Canadian ice hockey player (well, I think he's still Canadian) Mike Comrie. "[Sex after having a baby is] definitely different," she tells Us Weekly. I'm so exhausted at the end of each day, so I'm like, 'Can this not happen at night when I'm exhausted?' You find different times to do it." More »

Rebel Wilson Hosting the MTV Movie Awards? So Far the Apocalypse Is Awesome

December 21, 2012, 6:00 am

≫ Next: Justin Bieber Is Smoking Pot, Acting Out, Not Reaching Potential

≪ Previous: New Mom Hilary Duff Is a Morning Sex Enthusiast

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The MTV Movie Awards have finally figured out what it will take to get us to watch the MTV Movie Awards: they have announced that Rebel Wilson will be hosting this year's ceremony on April 14th, the first female host since Sarah Silverman in 2007, and a damn good choice at that. However, it being MTV, here is the weird, lame torture scene they announced the news with (co-starring Rebel's real life roommate Matt Lucas). More »

Justin Bieber Is Smoking Pot, Acting Out, Not Reaching Potential

December 24, 2012, 6:00 am

≫ Next: K-Fed's Brother Calls Britney a 'Maniac' and Says He's the 'True Father' of Sean Preston

≪ Previous: Rebel Wilson Hosting the MTV Movie Awards? So Far the Apocalypse Is Awesome

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Some mole over in Justin Bieber's camp say that the B33bz is pissing off his record label and his assorted grown-up servants by being a lazy, ungrateful little stoner, just like—wait for it—an eighteen-year-old boy. Truly shocking. My monocle just fell plumb off my face. More »

K-Fed's Brother Calls Britney a 'Maniac' and Says He's the 'True Father' of Sean Preston

December 26, 2012, 5:00 pm

≫ Next: Man Who Posed as Adam Lanza's Uncle Once Sued Justin Bieber for Stealing His Credit Card to Pay for Penis Enlargement

≪ Previous: Justin Bieber Is Smoking Pot, Acting Out, Not Reaching Potential

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Oh, these kooks! I missed them so much! Having Britney/K-Fed drama back in my news feed isn't quite as magical as Britney/Justin/double-denim formal-wear drama, but it's still like a warm, cozy tongue kiss from the Holy Spirit or whatever. Eeeeeeeeeeeeee! And this shit is particularly good. K-Fed's brother Christopher Federline (a.k.a. Chederline) says that he banged Britney back in the early-whenevers, but didn't want anyone to ever know because he is noble and pure of heart. Until a few weeks ago, at which time, he claims, Britney stole his credit card and used it to buy $4,500 of Archie comics (!!!), then told him he had a small penis and threatened to alert the world about their historic bangathon. "This will not stand," shouted Chederline to an indifferent gray sky! And so... More »

Man Who Posed as Adam Lanza's Uncle Once Sued Justin Bieber for Stealing His Credit Card to Pay for Penis Enlargement

December 27, 2012, 10:00 am

≫ Next: Britney Spears Is Maybe/Probably Getting Fired from The X Factor

≪ Previous: K-Fed's Brother Calls Britney a 'Maniac' and Says He's the 'True Father' of Sean Preston

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Two days following the Sandy Hook Shooting, Jonathan Lee Riches, a convicted felon out of West Chester, Pennsylvania, drove to Newtown, Connecticut and, like something straight out of a Flannery O'Connor story, appeared at a memorial site claiming to be "Jonathan Lanza," the fictitious uncle of shooter Adam Lanza. Riches then posed for photos and made false statements to journalists, many of which (like the one about Lanza being prescribed antipsychotic drug Fanapt to treat his supposed schizophrenia) were widely reported. Riches' true identity was revealed after his parole officer became aware of his travels thanks to the YouTube videos that Riches released to document his time in Newtown. Riches, under the terms of his probation (he originally served 10 years for conspiracy and wire fraud), is not allowed to leave Pennsylvania's Eastern District judicial boundaries and he will now be forced to return to federal court for a probation revocation hearing. More »

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Britney Spears Is Maybe/Probably Getting Fired from The X Factor

December 27, 2012, 11:50 am

≫ Next: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Can't Agree On Matrimonial Tattoos Because Life is Hard

≪ Previous: Man Who Posed as Adam Lanza's Uncle Once Sued Justin Bieber for Stealing His Credit Card to Pay for Penis Enlargement

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Lo! See how the gutters run red with the blood of the famous as yet another celebrity has been axed from The X Factor. It is rumored that Simon Cowell, with the sanguine thirst of a wild beast, has turned on his simple yet consistent companion Britney Spears after but one season of service on the lofty and precarious judge's throne. An insider tells ye olde US Weekly that "Britney will get the boot. Producers wanted her for the long haul, but it isn't working." More »

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Can't Agree On Matrimonial Tattoos Because Life is Hard

December 29, 2012, 8:30 am

≫ Next: Here's Kanye West Blurting Out That Kim Kardashian's Pregnant Without Asking Her if It Was Cool First

≪ Previous: Britney Spears Is Maybe/Probably Getting Fired from The X Factor

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OK! Magazine, which obviously rivals the Washington Post and the New Yorker in terms of quality, accuracy and general class JUST KIDDING it's basically toilet paper, reports that Brangelina are getting matching tattoos when they get married. However! More »

Here's Kanye West Blurting Out That Kim Kardashian's Pregnant Without Asking Her if It Was Cool First

December 31, 2012, 6:07 am

≫ Next: A Year of Britney Spears' Tortured Red Carpet Faces

≪ Previous: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Can't Agree On Matrimonial Tattoos Because Life is Hard

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More »

A Year of Britney Spears' Tortured Red Carpet Faces

December 31, 2012, 10:40 am

≫ Next: Girls Fans Throw Shade at Lena Dunham for Liking Taylor Swift

≪ Previous: Here's Kanye West Blurting Out That Kim Kardashian's Pregnant Without Asking Her if It Was Cool First

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With her highly-publicized, highly-paid job as a judge on The X Factor this year, 2012 has been one of the most visible for Britney Spears, publicity-wise, since her breakdown in 2007. But despite her $15 million paycheck, it's pretty clear—from her forced smiles and pained expressions—that she would rather be doing anything else. If the eyes are the window to the soul, hers have invisible metal bars and behind them is someone desperate to escape captivity. More »

Girls Fans Throw Shade at Lena Dunham for Liking Taylor Swift

January 3, 2013, 6:00 am

≫ Next: Britney Spears Quits The X Factor Before They Can Fire Her Ass

≪ Previous: A Year of Britney Spears' Tortured Red Carpet Faces

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Sincerest feelings-havers Lena Dunham and Taylor Swift have been Internet friends since Red dropped in October, but Dunham just admitted that the denizens of Bushwick who constitute her fanbase have a hard time believing that she scream-sings "You Belong With Me" in the shower like many a red-blooded human being. (Okaaaay, like me. But I DO NOT STAND ALONE HERE.) More »