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The latest news on Gender, Culture, and Politics. With teeth.

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    In case you missed it, a couple of Justin Timberlake's skeezy friends made a "hilarious" video for him as a "wedding present," in which they filmed adorable dancing homeless clowns congratulating the happy couple. See, it's funny, because homeless people aren't friends with celebrities and don't get to go to weddings in Italy. Because they're too busy eating garbage and not having shoes. HAR!!! Anyhoo, JT has finally issued a statement addressing the antics of the "knuckleheads." More »

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    Tim Tebow has a giiiiiiiirlfriend: actress Camilla Belle, the infamous subject of our magical unicorn love mascot Taylor Swift's angry song "Better Than Revenge" after Belle supposedly stole Joe Jonas from her (Best dis: "No amount of vintage dresses give you dignity"). More »

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    It's true! It's true! It's happening and it's true and modern Briterature (SORRY) will never be the same. Britney Spearsour Brit Brit!—is currently in negotiations with Harper Collins to pen the next Great American Novel. One can only presume it has something to do with the Old Lady Who Drops It Into the Ocean at the End going on an epic road trip with Anson Mount's Weird Mono-Nostril to the denim tuxedo factory where they time-travel-speed fast enough to take down all the people who are ahead of uuuuuuuus. The working title is, "HUUUUUHHHHHH!?!?!?!?!?" I spent literally all afternoon trying to come up with a fake Britney Spears book proposal that would do comedic justice to the concept of a fake Britney Spears book proposal, but it just isn't possible. If you guys want to give it a shot, put 'em in the comments. Writing exercise!!! Anyhoo: More »

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    In which Melissa McCarthy, undoubtedly for the umpteeth time, is asked about her weight and how she feels about it: "Pretty much everyone I know, no matter what size, is trying some system. Even when someone gets to looking like she should be so proud of herself, instead she's like, 'I could be another three pounds less; I could be a little taller and have bigger lips.' Where does it end? Sometimes I wish I were just magically a size 6 and I never had to give it a single thought. But I am weirdly healthy, so I don't beat myself up about it — it wouldn't help, and I don't want to pass that on to my girls." More »

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    The National Enquirer, bastion of all legitimate-and-definitely-not-made-up-by-peoples'-greed-and-imagination news, reports that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's slinky, uber-sexual union is being torn asunder by, of all things, Tivo. Brad's allegedly pissed at Angelina for secretly recording episodes of her ex Jonny Lee Miller's detective series Elementary; she initially said she was curious to see Miller's acting and how he had aged (and told Brad the show was so bad she couldn't get through the first episode), but continued to tape the show behind his back. And the kids think Jonny is cool. Tough break. Nevertheless, I still believe that a few rounds of lion sex can solve any marital problem between two extremely rich Pretties. [National Enquirer] More »

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    While Adele is OK with her weight, occasionally the Internet is not. "I read a comment on YouTube that I thought would upset me — ‘Test pilot for pies' — but I've always been fine with it. I would only lose weight if it affected my health or sex life, which it doesn't." Shit, yes. You can't help but wonder what Adele's reaction would be to Lady Gaga bringing her weight up in that sort of—can I say it?—well, sorta whiny way in response to her own weight-shaming by the media ("Adele is bigger than me — how come nobody says anything about it?" asked Gaga, then going on to praise Adele's confidence). Naturally, Adele's too classy to respond to that a public forum. She's so classy we don't even know her kid's name. More »

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    To kick off her 777 tour, Rihanna's taken 200 bloggers and journalists on a Boeing 777 for a week. I've used my crack investigative skills to determine that everyone is getting fucked up and having a good time. At one point, Ri-Ri personally served cognac. One of the writers, Julieanne Smolinski, has a quick Q&A posted already about the in-flight bacchanal, and many of the journalists are diligently tweeting. More »

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    After being roundly chastised for having—I mean, I guess, kind of—an opinion of sorts on the Israel-Palestine conflict and Tweeting about it, Kim Kardashian is going to make it up to the people of the Middle East by visiting Kuwait and Bahrain, and she's "determined" to learn about the conflict. She is also planning to "make appearances at some Millions of Milkshakes shops opening in the two countries." Yeah, we were serious about that milkshake thing. But, actually who doesn't love a milkshake? More »

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    In the immortal words of the classic holiday song: Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but Jessica Simpson is pregnant. It's been seven months and at least 109 headlines since the birth of Maxwell Drew and Simpson's subsequent public struggle to drop the baby weight/become a momshell/shed her human form/whatever everyone's been obsessing about, and now we get to do it all over! More »

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    Let's go back to a time when the world was a simpler place and Britney Spears wasn't 31-years-old. Time — it moves too quickly. More »

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    Thanks to the antics of nine-month-old Luca Cruz, new mom Hilary Duff now prefers to get her fuck on in the morning with husband, retired Canadian ice hockey player (well, I think he's still Canadian) Mike Comrie. "[Sex after having a baby is] definitely different," she tells Us Weekly. I'm so exhausted at the end of each day, so I'm like, 'Can this not happen at night when I'm exhausted?' You find different times to do it." More »

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    The MTV Movie Awards have finally figured out what it will take to get us to watch the MTV Movie Awards: they have announced that Rebel Wilson will be hosting this year's ceremony on April 14th, the first female host since Sarah Silverman in 2007, and a damn good choice at that. However, it being MTV, here is the weird, lame torture scene they announced the news with (co-starring Rebel's real life roommate Matt Lucas). More »

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    Some mole over in Justin Bieber's camp say that the B33bz is pissing off his record label and his assorted grown-up servants by being a lazy, ungrateful little stoner, just like—wait for it—an eighteen-year-old boy. Truly shocking. My monocle just fell plumb off my face. More »

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    Oh, these kooks! I missed them so much! Having Britney/K-Fed drama back in my news feed isn't quite as magical as Britney/Justin/double-denim formal-wear drama, but it's still like a warm, cozy tongue kiss from the Holy Spirit or whatever. Eeeeeeeeeeeeee! And this shit is particularly good. K-Fed's brother Christopher Federline (a.k.a. Chederline) says that he banged Britney back in the early-whenevers, but didn't want anyone to ever know because he is noble and pure of heart. Until a few weeks ago, at which time, he claims, Britney stole his credit card and used it to buy $4,500 of Archie comics (!!!), then told him he had a small penis and threatened to alert the world about their historic bangathon. "This will not stand," shouted Chederline to an indifferent gray sky! And so... More »

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    Two days following the Sandy Hook Shooting, Jonathan Lee Riches, a convicted felon out of West Chester, Pennsylvania, drove to Newtown, Connecticut and, like something straight out of a Flannery O'Connor story, appeared at a memorial site claiming to be "Jonathan Lanza," the fictitious uncle of shooter Adam Lanza. Riches then posed for photos and made false statements to journalists, many of which (like the one about Lanza being prescribed antipsychotic drug Fanapt to treat his supposed schizophrenia) were widely reported. Riches' true identity was revealed after his parole officer became aware of his travels thanks to the YouTube videos that Riches released to document his time in Newtown. Riches, under the terms of his probation (he originally served 10 years for conspiracy and wire fraud), is not allowed to leave Pennsylvania's Eastern District judicial boundaries and he will now be forced to return to federal court for a probation revocation hearing. More »

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    Lo! See how the gutters run red with the blood of the famous as yet another celebrity has been axed from The X Factor. It is rumored that Simon Cowell, with the sanguine thirst of a wild beast, has turned on his simple yet consistent companion Britney Spears after but one season of service on the lofty and precarious judge's throne. An insider tells ye olde US Weekly that "Britney will get the boot. Producers wanted her for the long haul, but it isn't working." More »

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    OK! Magazine, which obviously rivals the Washington Post and the New Yorker in terms of quality, accuracy and general class JUST KIDDING it's basically toilet paper, reports that Brangelina are getting matching tattoos when they get married. However! More »

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    With her highly-publicized, highly-paid job as a judge on The X Factor this year, 2012 has been one of the most visible for Britney Spears, publicity-wise, since her breakdown in 2007. But despite her $15 million paycheck, it's pretty clear—from her forced smiles and pained expressions—that she would rather be doing anything else. If the eyes are the window to the soul, hers have invisible metal bars and behind them is someone desperate to escape captivity. More »

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    Sincerest feelings-havers Lena Dunham and Taylor Swift have been Internet friends since Red dropped in October, but Dunham just admitted that the denizens of Bushwick who constitute her fanbase have a hard time believing that she scream-sings "You Belong With Me" in the shower like many a red-blooded human being. (Okaaaay, like me. But I DO NOT STAND ALONE HERE.) More »

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